The Spice Doctor

Return of the Saucer People

Season One
Season Two
Season Three

part 2...

Alice was having a wonderful time in the magic cabinet of fun.  She had all the sticky toffee pudding she could eat, all the terrific cartons she could watch and also terrific conversations about them with her best friends Doctor and Mickey.  Doctor was very nice; she always wore pretty clothes and knew where the aluminium snack bars were hidden.  Mickey was always letting her win on the play station, they would often play for hours at a time and it was always great fun.  Currently she was standing in the main room with the up and down thing.  She like the ship, she was like a kind aunt to her.  They never spoke but they didn’t need to, they could sense each others feelings and emotions.  Alice had four whole emotions all of her own.  She was happy when she was watching cartons.  She was sad when the cartoons stopped.  She worried that the cartoons may never come back and she lonely when Doctor and Mickey were sleeping.  Everyone had their own room too, which was puzzling, why waste all that space?  She’d asked Doctor about it many times but she just said that she wasn’t going to make the first move and Mickey said that he wouldn’t mind, as long as someone else tidied the place up.  Alice had tried tidying the place up once, but they had to delete her memory files of what happened afterwards, apparently they found her traumatised and babbling about evil from the dawn of time.




Grundaldran swore revenge on that dim-witted droid, for the fifteenth time that morning.  So far he’d spent ten hellish hours in a maximum comfort cell.  They gave him food and company and a small picture box with sound to watch.  They hadn’t tortured him once, although he was prepared for it.  Unlike on his own planet this world treated its scum with dignity and respect.  He swore to escape and conquer the planet and show them the real meaning of suffering.  He switched off Trisha and picked up the quasi-religious text about the Cult of Gideon.




The Doctor was busy doing her hair when Alice popped into her room for a chat.  “Hi Alice, could you pass me that second can of hairspray?”


Alice passed the tasty looking metal can over.  “You have very pretty hair.  I just have this frizzy mop of plastic fibres.”


“Maybe we can brush them into a nice neat style?”  The Doctor suggested and passed one of her non-metal brushes to her new friend.


Alice experimentally tried the brush through her ‘hair’ and to her surprise found that it did indeed make the tangle much less tangled and much prettier.  “Hey, the magic brush device really works.”


“It’s not magic, Alice, just good grooming skills.  Maybe you should keep the brush and brush your hair every morning?”


“I’ve never had things before.”  Alice replied.  “Except my dress and my bunny slippers.  I must be really rich now, owning things.  I must be the richest robot in the whole of this room.”




UNIT was put on maximum alert following the escape of the alien captive known as Grundaldran.




Mickey was pacing around the console room, looking at the screens, trying to figure out how to set the ship to land back in London in May 2006, so he could see the results of the FA Cup final and make a fortune.  However the Doctor and her friendly robot stalker entered.  “How do you make this thing work then Doctor?”


“Oh it’s just a simple case of inputting the 26 dimensional co-ordinates of the target planet, then finding a way to avoid known dimensional anomalies between us and the target world and then setting the relative speed densifier to compress or expand time within the ship relative to the outside.  After all the ship does have a minimum travel time and we don’t want to exhaust the power supply again.  We might not make it to Cardiff in time.”


“I liked that big metal all you can eat buffet.”  Alice said to the others.


“They nearly arrested us for vandalism.”  Mickey tried to explain things to Alice.  “It was a monument, not a meal.”


“Oh.  Maybe I should take some food with me next time.  It’s so hard on a world with such limited resources for robots.  I can’t even change my oil in peace without someone complaining.”




Above, below and around Earth a fleet of saucers appeared, as the had travelled at thousands of times the speed of light, which all scientists on Earth stated was totally impossible – which goes to show how much they know!




The TARDIS materialised in the middle of an empty Trafalgar square.  “Looks like we missed New Year’s Eve.”  The Doctor pouted.  “I was so looking forward to a splash around too.”


“It’s illegal, they arrest you.”  Mickey wondered if the Doctor was even half as intelligent as she said she was.


“I don’t like water.”  Alice said to Mickey.  “It makes me scared and it rusts my insides.”


“Don’t worry, yeah?  We’ll keep well away from it.”  Mickey felt protective towards Alice, as she had the IQ of a banana sandwich.


Alice took hold of Mickey’s hand.  “I’m sacred.  I think Grundaldran has come to take me away.”


“I’ll protect you.”  Mickey replied.


“Will you now?”  Grundaldran shouted.


“Run!”  The Doctor shouted, and then remembered she was wearing four inch heels, really expensive ones too.  She paused to undo the straps so she could take them off.


“You shall suffer, Doctor!”  Grundaldran yelled and grappled the flame-haired woman.


“Help!”  The Doctor screamed and tried to set off her rape alarm.  “Mickey, Alice, get UNIT here!”


Mickey looked at Alice.  “We have to save the Doctor.”


“I’m frightened.”  Alice started to cry.  “I’m so confused.  I think I might be developing a new emotion.”


“That’s probably fear.”  Mickey replied.  “The thing about fear is you have to confront it sooner or later.  You have to control it or it will control you.”


Alice picked up a metal park bench and wrenched off a large piece of metal.  “I want to hit him with this.”


“I’ll take that.”  Mickey took hold of the weapon and dropped it because it was very heavy.  “Oh my foot!”  He hopped about on his other foot.  “I think I’ve broken it.”


“Oh dear.”  Alice said to herself.  “If I help Mickey then the Doctor will get hurt, but if I help the Doctor then Mickey will still be in pain.”


“Help the Doctor!”  Mickey shouted.  “She’s more important than me.”


“Are you in love?”  Alice asked Mickey.


“Never mind that now, go and help the Doctor.  She can fix my foot.”


“Ah.”  Alice saw the logic in Mickey’s words.  “Of course.”  She hugged him briefly to cheer him up.  Then she skipped over to help the Doctor.


“Get this loony off of me.”  The Doctor shouted.


Alice grabbed Grundaldran’s arm and he let go of the Doctor and lay on the ground screaming in pain.  “I’ve got him off you.”  Alice smiled.


“You’ve broken my bloody arm!”  Grundaldran yelled.


“Well we obviously have to help him.”  The Doctor said to Alice.  “However Mickey’s in pain too.  I’ll see to Mickey while you pick Grundaldran up and dust him down.”


Alice picked Grundaldran up and wondered why he started to cry even more, now he was just whimpering and mewling instead of screaming.  “Now to dust you down.”


“Keep away from me!”  Grundaldran begged for mercy.


Alice went into the TARDIS and emerged a few moments later with the feather duster.  “We’ll soon have you nice and clean.”  She smiled and set about cleaning Grundaldran up.


Grundaldran now realised the true meaning of the word suffering and promised any passing deity who rescued him that he would devote his life to helping the disadvantaged.




The saucers watched the humiliating defeat of their most decorated war leader and knew that they wouldn’t stand a chance against Earth and its army of killer robot maids.  They left, quickly.




Mickey was in hospital, recovering from his broken foot and crushed ribs.  Luckily the Doctor had a handy gizmo for resetting bones properly and he was almost ready to leave.  However Alice had found a banjo somewhere and she was playing it loudly to cheer him up.  Mickey was all but ready to plead with the hospital to let him go right now.  The Doctor was no better either, she was singing along to the tune, some bland pop nonsense about spicing up your life.  How he wished either of them knew just one half-decent rap song.


part 2 of a 2 part story...

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