The Spice Doctor

The Planet of Terror

Season One
Season Two
Season Three

features a Slitheen...

The Doctor was busy exploring the night sky with her new telescope when she heard Mickey creeping up on her, no doubt some childish attempt to surprise her.  She wondered what other infantile practical jokes he knew, so that she knew which ones she’d allow him to think she’d fallen for them.  “Hello Mickey.”  She said when he was less than a metre away.  Suddenly she span around and seized him by the arms.  “Isn’t it a great night?  Hardly any light pollution, thanks to a judicious application of the sonic screwdriver.  You can see Orion the Hunter doing battle with Taurus the Bull.  Over there are the two bears, one of them is upside down but I can never figure out which one.  And there, Cassiopia, the queen of Greece, sitting regally on her throne commanding the stars for all eternity.”


“They’re just points of light to me.”  Mickey replied.


“Each one is a sun, some of them have worlds revolving around them just like Earth.”  The Doctor informed Mickey.  “I’ve been to thousands of such planets.  There’s many more I haven’t been to yet.  Maybe right now there’s someone on one of those worlds looking at Earth’s sun right now, wondering if there’s a planet orbiting around it that has lie on it.  What do you think we should tell them?  Hello?  Come on over the water’s lovely?”


“Not if they’re evil, like the Slitheen.”  Mickey replied sulkily.  “They can stay well away from Earth.”


“Not all species want to turn the Earth into rocket fuel.”  The Doctor replied.  “Most are tourists, they like to see the sights, visit the museums, absorb the culture and buy the t-shirt.  Have you seen my new t-shirt by the way?  I went to Earth and all I got was this t-shirt.”


“It’s a bit naff, isn’t it?”  Mickey asked.


“Tourists like that sort of thing.  Trust me, with the right advertising Earth could make a fortune and not even know there were alien visitors among them.”


“You’ve been watching Men in Black again, haven’t you?”  Mickey caught on.


“Yeah.”  The Doctor grinned.  “I have.”  She pointed at her companion.  “You believed me too, didn’t you?”  She returned her attention to the telescope.  “Well that’s not meant to be there.”


“What is it Doctor?”  Mickey asked.


“Why don’t we go for a nice trip?  Just you and me and as many people as we can cram into the TARDIS?”


“Why?  What’s going on?”


“Oh, just fiery oblivion if we stay on this planet any longer.”  The Doctor replied.  “There’s a rogue star heading towards the Earth, it’s on a collision course.”


“You’re having me on, yeah?”  Mickey said with a grin.  “Fool me once Doctor.”


“I’m being serious.”  The Doctor replied.  “Have I ever told you about the Eye of Orion?”


“Stop it, yeah?”  Mickey said sharply.  “This isn’t funny.”


“And it’s not.”  The Doctor replied.  “Take a look for yourself, it’s plainly obvious for everyone to see.”




Patrick Moore shook his head sharply.  “I’m sorry, Dr. Smith, but none of the evidence points to what you’re saying.  It’s not a rogue star at all, it’s merely a brightening of the planet Jupiter, no doubt due to freak weather conditions.”


The Doctor sighed.  “You humans amaze me, oh wait, I’m sorry.  You’re not human at all though, are you?”  She grabbed at the thin gold zipper on his forehead and tugged it open.  The room was bathed in a blue light as the skin-suit was removed to reveal Pon Hodgepodge Daye Slitheen!  “I’m the Doctor.”


“You changed your appearance too?”  Pon asked.  “I like the hair.  Your head will make a nice trophy after I kill you.”


The Doctor backed away.  “Be careful now.  I’m the great and powerful Doctor, you’re just a petty criminal stuck on a dying rock of a planet.  I should leave you here to burn with the rest of it’s idiotic inhabitants.  But I won’t and do you know why?”




“Because frankly I’m amazingly brilliant, a genius in fact.  I’m going to save this planet and I’m going to look amazingly superb doing it with Mickey.”




“That came out wrong.”  The Doctor backpeddled.  “Mickey Smith, an average citizen of Earth.  He’s going to help me save his planet.”


“How can one human save a planet?”


“He fixed your lot.”  The Doctor replied.  “Yeah, that’s right.  While you were stuck in traffic on your way to join your family, Mickey Smith was the one who saved this planet by blowing your family up with a missile.”


“He will pay for that!”  Pon ranted.  “Family honour demands it!”


“Honour?  What do you know of honour?”  The Doctor screamed, her voice higher than helium.  “What do you know of family either?  Your lot were murderers and thieves.  Mine were singers and sculptors and dreamers.  A race of gentle enlightened folk.  True I was the black sheep but I still loved them all.  Your family threw their lives away in the attempt to slaughter five billion innocent beings.  An entire race of people with hopes and dreams of their own.  How dare you speak of family to me?”


Pon lunged at the thin woman, but she was unnaturally quick.  “I will drink your heart’s blood!  I caused that rogue star to come this way.  It’s vengeance shall be mine.  The Earth will burn and I shall dine on your entrails.”


“Hearts, plural.”  The Doctor replied.  “I have two of them.  Twice the love, twice the sorrow, twice the guilt and twice the bitch!”  She removed the jar of pickled onions from her pocket.  She threw them in the face of the green-skinned calcium alien.


“Noooooooooooooo!”  Pon screamed in fury before his head exploded.


“Now to fix your little mess.”  The Doctor looked at a very shocked Mickey.  “Breathe, you can move now, you’re safe.”


“Huh?”  Mickey stepped out from behind the stage set.  “Oh, right.”


The Doctor grabbed Mickey’s hand.  “To the TARDIS, run!”




“What are you doing?”  Mickey asked.


“In a minute.”  The Doctor replied.  “I’m busy.  No time for explainations until after I’m finished being clever, and I am so very clever.”




The last switch was thrown, the last dial turned.  The Doctor beamed in pride.  “I’ve saved the Earth.”


“Great.”  Mickey said.  “What did you do?”


“Oh it was just a simple matter of deflecting the path of the approaching star, by cancelling that ever-so simple gravity beam Pon was using and creating a new, stronger one to pull it off course.  And here’s the clever part, not a single life will be lost in the process.”


“So what now?”  Mickey asked.


“Back home of course.”  The Doctor replied.  “I’ve got a lot of work to do and I need to arrange the BBC to create an animatronic Patrick, the show must go on after all.”


“We can get a pizza.”


“No.”  The Doctor replied.


“You’ll like it.”


“No I won’t.”


“They’re lovely.”


“I’ll put on two dress sizes just looking at it.”


“You said you had a high metabolism.”


“That’s true.  Just one slice then, with plenty of salad.”


“That’s my Doctor.”


“That’s right, I am the Doctor and don’t you forget it.”  The Doctor grinned.


A rather spiffy idea to feature a Slitheen that's been masquerading as a celebrity, I thought...

+++++weird Dr Who adventures+++++