The Spice Doctor

Invasion (Part One)

Season One
Season Two
Season Three

The One with the Girly Stuff

The Doctor was busy trying on her new bikini when Andrea wandered into the console room.  “What do you think?”


“I think you should put the top on too.”  Andrea replied.


“Is Mickey with you?”  The Doctor pulled her jacket up tout suite to cover herself with.


“No, but they say he’ll be released tomorrow.”  Andrea replied.  “I didn’t know you had your nipples pierced.”


“It’s my body.”  The Doctor replied.  “I can get nipple rings if I want to.”


“No judgement from me.”  Andrea replied.  “I’m not one of those social inadequates who tries to force her limited grasp of social dynamics upon others people.”


“Well that’s nice.”  The Doctor replied.  “Because I also had my…”


“I mean.”  Andrea ignored the Doctor.  “I could go on about social responsibility and the group collective but I’d just be telling you stuff you already know.”


“Exactly.”  The Doctor replied.  “I’ll just go and get changed.”  She limped out of the console room tenderly.


“Did you hurt your leg?”  Andrea asked.


“No.”  The Doctor replied, a pained look on her face.  “The local anaesthetic’s just worn off.”




Mickey was having the time of his life when the Doctor and Andrea finally turned up.  “Why’s she in a wheel chair?”


The Doctor glared at Andrea.  “Tell him exactly what I told you.”


“Women’s trouble.”  Andrea lied.  “The Doctor’s uterus is feeling like a bag of burning barbed wire.”


“Too much detail.”  Mickey jumped up and tried to edge towards the door while trying to look like he was ok with that sort of talk.  “I mean we’d better get going, yeah?”




The Master awoke from the coma like Nosferatu.  His cold eyes scanned the room and looked for information.  Everything he saw went towards developing a plan to escape.  Escape and find the Doctor.  Escape, find the Doctor and humiliate her.  Escape, find the Doctor, humiliate her and kill her.  However his back seemed to be broken as did both of his legs and one of his arms.  There was no way to get out of here quickly and there was no way he was staying in an NHS hospital.  He willed himself to regenerate.  He imagined a new body, strong, powerful, commanding, intelligent eyes and a dominating visage.  However he was distracted by the sudden appearance of a nurse.


“Glad you’re with us again…John Smith is it?  We had one of those a few years back.  Just before that charming Mr. Mullins was fired.”


The Master’s control over his regeneration spiralled out of control and all he could think about was the fine-looking nurse, her open innocent eyes, her dark Nubian skin, her smile and her large cleavage on show for the world to see.  Before he could do anything to stop himself, he regenerated into an exact duplicate of her.  He…no she…was too weak to keep the process going, pick another body.  With a burst of raw power she sat up and advanced towards the terrified nurse.  “Now look what you’ve done.”


Nurse Chavers screamed as her identical twin slapped her hard across the face.  “You…you…you were a man.”


The Master laughed.  “A new body.  I suppose it will take some getting used to.”  She shot the nurse dead with her laser pistol.  “I suppose I’ll need clothes.”  She stripped the nurse and started to dress.  “How do you put a bra on anyway?  The Rani never let me touch hers.”  When she was finished she used her tissue compression eliminator to crush the body down in size until it was just a few inches in height.  She popped the shrunken carcass into the pocket of her navy cardigan.  “The Doctor’s in for a big surprise.”  The Master tried to fasten up the blouse but the top few buttons were missing, were never there.  Obviously this garment was designed to show off the breasts for some reason, she tried not to think of primitive human animal customs.  “If someone tries to pinch my buttocks I’ll shoot them dead.”




The Invisible Aliens (they call themselves the Rothadendrakai but we’ll call them the Roth) set about securing the area.  They found it easy to create strong points in the park as the native creatures could not see them, however it also made things hard as no one could see their banners and guns.




The Doctor spotted something was wrong when she saw the three-headed aliens with guns and everyone else seemed to ignore them.  “Can you see that guy over there Andrea?”  She asked her companion without the neck injury.


Andrea looked.  “I can’t see any guys, of course they can’t see me either, which is probably what’s wrong with my entire life.”


“Just as I thought.”  The Doctor replied.


“Hey.”  Andrea was shocked.  “Bitch.”


“Oh, no, not you.”  The Doctor said quickly.  “There’s a man over there with three heads and you can’t see him.  I suspect that he reflects light in a portion of the electromagnetic spectrum to which the human eye is incapable of seeing.  I may have the retinal pattern of a human eye but my rods and cones are much more sensitive to the whole of the EM spectrum.”


“I can’t see anything either.”  Mickey tried to get involved with the conversation.


“We should take you back to the TARDIS.”  The Doctor said quickly.  “You need to rest up, and don’t spend all day in bed watching TV, read a book or listen to music.”


“Whatever.”  Mickey muttered.  He actually had plans to use the TARDIS to pick up Sky Sports 2 to see that match.  It was a time machine after all, a few years difference wouldn’t be any effort for it.




The Master was not having a good day.  They kept trying to send her on errands.  What did they think she was?  A minion?  She was going to be the undisputed queen of the universe, with Brad Pitt by her side.  Where did that thought come from?  Although it would be nice to settle down in a long term relationship with a man she loved and who loved her.  Where were these thoughts coming from?  The Master was confused and wondered if she was getting in touch with her feminine side.  She shuddered.


Dr. Lorenzo spotted a nurse.  “Hey love, be a darling and take this to…”


The Master grabbed the man’s arm and broke it in seventeen places.  “I am not your love or your darling.”


“Aaaargh!”  Dr. Lorenzo screamed in pain and writhed in agony on the floor.


“My hero.”  The Master scoffed and swayed her hips even more as she strutted out of the hospital.  “What is wrong with me?”  She looked left and right before spotting a clothing store.  “Ah, shopping.  Why did I just say that?  I could use some new shoes though.  I always dress for the occasion and today I kill the Doctor.  That blonde trollop will pay for her actions.  Now we’ll see who’s the biggest bitch in the Universe, well apart from the Rani of course.  I bet she still over compensates with those shoulder pads in her jackets.  I’ll get myself a boyfriend and then we’ll see who’s insecure.  Wait, I don’t need a man to feel complete and now I’m just talking to myself.”




The Doctor put the special glasses on Andrea’s face.  Right.  I’ll try adjusting the frequency of light emitted by the lenses; you should hopefully see something soon, once they start reflecting light in a wavelength that you can see.  Just let me know when you can see something.”


“So I should let you know when I can see a three-headed man?”  Andrea asked.


“That’ll be enough.”  The Doctor replied.  “We have to do this stealthily however.  We can’t risk panicking the local population.  If we do this right then the planet will never know it’s been invaded.”


“On the downside, I look like the sort of geek I used to make fun of at school.”


“Serves you right then.”  The Doctor replied coldly.


“Karma bites me on the arse.”


“Well it does have a big enough target.”


“What is this, abuse hour?”


“Well you did eat the last Rolo.”


“You offered it to me.”


“Only because I thought you’d have said no.”


“I’m a chocoholic too.”


“I know now.”


“Can we not have this conversation?”




The Master glared at the shoe salesman.  “I want shoes, now.”


Nigel the salesman nodded meekly.  “Certainly madam.  Would you like to take a seat?”  He glanced up her skirt as she sat down.


“I need something comfortable and yet domineering.  I want to look good and also retain an air of authority.”


“I think perhaps madam would prefer a boot, we have several in stock.”  Nigel took the foot measurement, a size four, and scurried off to get the perfect pair.


The Master sat and waited for the odious creep to return.  She was sure he’d looked up her skirt too; she’d have to kill him for that of course.  She crossed her legs and waited only a few moments before the creature returned.  “The price is irrelevant.  I shall take them.”  She looked deeply into his eyes, past them and into his feeble psyche, she saw the thin thread of his will and she broke it easily.  “I am the Master and you will obey me.  I will take these shoes now and you will come with me.  You will pay for these goods with your own money.”


“Yes Mistress.”  Nigel replied.


“That’s Master.”  The Master purred softly.  “I was once more man than you’ll ever be, you weak servile scum.”


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