The Spice Doctor

New Art Riot

Season One
Season Two
Season Three

another world, another crisis...

Mickey gawped when he saw the Doctor’s newest outfit, a figure hugging black and white striped suit that left no room for the imagination or half of her cleavage!  On top of this her hair was even redder and brighter than usual and fluffed up to give it extra volume and possibly the power to blind the unwary.  “What are you wearing?”  He asked her.


“It’s the latest fashion on Delphon.”  The Doctor enthused.  “That’s the planet where everyone communicates by eyebrow movement.”


“You used that as an excuse to wink at a guy on a building site last week.”  Mickey replied.  “Don’t think I didn’t see you giving him your mobile phone number.”


“I did no such thing.”  The Doctor replied quickly.  “I just gave him the winning lottery numbers, so his daughter can get the proper medical care she needs.”


“You still gave him your number though.”


“Just so I could counsel him.  I am a doctor after all.  Just a pity my phone credit ran out.  I must buy a top up card.”


“Why don’t you just make one?  You invented mobile phone technology.”


“That was just a side line to fund my work at UNIT.  I also invented the wings on panty liners but I don’t take the credit for that.  It was Jo’s idea, I overheard her talking to Corporal Bell, three buildings over and four flights of stair up.  It doesn’t matter who gets the credit, they’re very comfy.”


“You’re just saying that to shut me up.”


“Have you being talking to Andrea?”


“No, I’m not thick.”


“True, but you do scare easily.”


“A month with you and I can face any thing, after being in here with you and your need to express every thought for so long, I just  became immune to fear.”


“Darn, well at least I can take the credit for your evolution, you mustn’t take any yourself of course, without me you’d still be living in fear of cherry scented soap.”


“That’s not funny.”  Mickey retorted.  “That was a legitimate childhood trauma.  I also have a fear of swings and playgrounds although I don’t know why.”




Andrea was trying to balance her cheque book, but it was rebelling against her and flat out lying about those new shoes she’d bought last week.  In the end she decided to file for divorce from him and start seeing that credit card in her purse again.  At least with him he always came with some level of security.  Having given up on her finances she decided to see if they were near any nice planets yet.




The planet wasn’t Delphon, rather it was an uncharted human colony world on the pimple on the bum of the space lanes.  There was a number of bars, a few shops and the highest suicide rate on a planet ever.


The Doctor tried to cheer her companions up.  “Why don’t we do some shopping and then have a few drinks?”


“Firstly I ain’t ever shopping with either of you two again.”  Mickey pointed out.  “Can’t you think of anything else to do?  It’s getting tired.”


“Well it is a cliché.”  Andrea said to the Doctor.


“True and I don’t really, really, really need a new pair of shoes.”  The Doctor looked at Mickey.  “However we’re not going to spend all afternoon in a pub watching a match on the telly.”


“They might not have a telly.”  Mickey said quickly.  “They probably don’t even get Sky Sports 92 out here.”  He looked around.  “Look, they’ve got an art museum over there.”


“We’re hardly art enthusiasts.”  The Doctor scoffed.  “I mean neither of you two can even do paint by numbers without going over the lines and I’m just not into dusty old landscapes like my previous self.  They’re even more boring than cricket.”


“Is that possible?”  Andrea asked the Doctor.  “A mate’s boyfriend threatened me with deportation because I refused to let him watch some sort of ashes.”


“It’s the best compromise.”  Mickey said quickly.


“It’s worth a try.”  The Doctor shrugged and looked at Andrea.  “They might have a few nude statues we can point at and laugh.”


“Maybe we can find a nice place to have lunch.”  Andrea suggested.  “I doubt it though.”


“I call pizza.”  Mickey said quickly.


“I really doubt this sort of colony has a single cow.”


“So?  I prefer spicy vegetable anyway.”


“No cows, no milk.”  Andrea said to Mickey.  “No milk, no cheese.”


“I like feta.”  Mickey said with a wry smile.


“No goats either.”  The Doctor replied.  “No dairy products of any sort.”


“My cousin would be at home here.”  Andrea said.  “Dairy products make her come out in a terrible rash.  I remember getting such a clout after making her eat a cheese slice.”


“Why?”  The Doctor asked casually.  “There’s no dairy products in those.” 




The museum was a total waste of time, not only was it boring, it was all pictures of boring people, statues of boring people and filled with boring people.  To liven things up the Doctor used her lipstick to decorate a couple of the statues, giving them bright red lips on otherwise plain grey faces.


Mickey tried using marker pen to draw funny eyebrows on the paintings, as well as a few obscene pictures.


Andrea even lightened up by grabbing one of the boring museum curators and snogging him.  She felt sick however when his false teeth ended up in her mouth.




The torch wielding mob chased the three off-worlders through the streets and into a small blue hut.  They tried setting it on fire but it wouldn’t burn, however they did cheer up when it vanished into thin air.



The Doctor glared at Mickey, who glared at Andrea who glared at the Doctor who glared at Mickey, who glared at Andrea who glared at the Doctor who glared at Mickey, who glared at Andrea who glared at the Doctor who glared at Mickey, who glared at Andrea who glared at the Doctor who glared at Mickey, who glared at Andrea who glared at the Doctor…


I just wanted to write a story where everything goes wrong all the time...

+++++weird Dr Who adventures+++++