The Spice Doctor


Season One
Season Two
Season Three

No, not the mind probe!

The planet Hoarfrost was cold, two sets of thermal knickers cold at least.  Andrea was still getting used to this time and space travelling stuff, but so far she’d been to three different planets and met her first alien species, they had been a little stranger than she had expected, being that they were eight foot tall purple snail people with a hunger for raw human flesh, but they’d let her go when the Doctor threatened to destroy they ice cream factories or their planet, something important like that.  Mickey had tried telling her a bit about aliens, he’d met seven different species so far, some of them twice.  Apparently they were either nasty and wanted to kill you, or they were nasty and wanted to turn you into one of them, or they were nasty and just wanted to go to bed with you or they were nasty and just wanted to suck your brain out and put it into a jar and worship you as a deity while making you power their city with the power of your thoughts.  “I wish I’d worn another jumper underneath this lot.”


The Doctor, wearing just a thin summer jumper over her cropped t-shirt nodded.  “If your teeth start chattering we can go back to the TARDIS.”


“It’s alright for her.”  Mickey said out of the comfort of his fur-lined parka hood.  “She’s an alien; she doesn’t feel the cold like we do.”


“I’m just from an older species; your people will one day evolve adaptations to greater extremes of temperature.”


“Freeze!”  A security guard said to the three strangers.


“I’m already doing that.”  Andrea said sarcastically before she was handcuffed with large metal restraints.  “At least I find a man on an alien world willing to tie me up.  One bloke ran screaming when I asked him to spank me.”


“Tell her to stop.”  Mickey hissed at the Doctor.  “Last night she tried to tell me about some bloke called Kevin.”


“Oh, the one with the small…no, you’re right, I shall have strict words with her, after she tells me the story of course.”




Andrea frowned as she was pushed into a room with Mickey.  “Can’t I have single sex accommodation?”


“Thanks a lot.”  Mickey said sharply.


“It’s not you, it’s just the Doctor and I were having a private conversation.”


“I was standing next to you.”


“But you were pretending not to listen and I appreciate that, I really do.”


“You were complaining about me.”  Mickey was exasperated.


“Only about you leaving the loo seat up.”


“It wasn’t me.”  Mickey replied.  “I’m used to living with women.  Rose was round my place more than I was, ‘coz of her mum.  The Doctor spent nine previous lifetimes as a man, you tell me, is that something to unlearn in a few months?  It’s not even like she can aim now or anything.”


“No wonder she seemed so defensive.”  Andrea sighed.  “I had no idea transsexuals had so many issues to address.  Still it’s marvellous what they can do with surgery these days isn’t it?”


“It’s not like that, not for her anyway.  Her species have this way of cheating death, they change their whole appearance.  Last time he was an annoying git with big ears, this time she’s a weird brunette with no sense of personal space.  I ask you is it right to just burst in on someone while they’re in the bath and just start shaving their legs, using your bath water to rise the foam off?”


“Well she did say she was glad of the company.”


“Me too, if it means she stops being so weird and starts acting well more normal.”


“I’ll have a word with her.”  Andrea said to Mickey.  She was concerned that the Doctor wasn’t behaving like a normal woman; her time alone with a man had warped her mind into some pretty disturbing shapes.  It was up to her to show the Doctor how to act like a woman and maybe they could both see a stripper and get drunk on those expensive cocktails she’d red about in Cosmo.




The Doctor was being interrogated by some very sloppy amateurs.  “That’s not how you use a mind probe.”  She tutted at them.  “You’re supposed to access the deep seated super ego, it’ll allow you instant access to the memories you want to access.  The ego will always put a positive spin on things and the id will, well your brains would melt if my id got near you.  Now my super id on the other hand, charming woman, we once spent a pleasant hour talking about shoes and the need to wear shoes that crippled and maimed for hours, because I look good wearing them.  She liked the white heels I wore the other day as a matter of fact.  I know these pumps are more conservative and red is a racy colour, even for me, but I think I can get away with it as they really go with my purse.  Purses are a godsend, I had no idea how I managed without one before.  Pockets are all very well but you can get every thing you ever need plus a spare lipstick, hairbrush, mobile phone, box of lilets and packet of jelly babies in one.  I mean where would I be without the ability to tart myself up in an emergency situation, like an informal cocktail party or an illegal rave?”




There was a terrible, scream, a scream of pure horror and mortal dread, the sort of scream someone might get shortly before the axe-wielding maniac decapitated you with his axe or you got a phone number sized bill from the tax man.  What disturbed Mickey most though was the fact that it was the Doctor screaming for her life.


Andrea looked fearful when the Doctor was brought into the room, however she looked a bit tired and worn out.  “Are you ok?”  She asked.  “What did those brutes do to you?  Did they torture you?  Was it worse?  Did they rape you?  I know a good lawyer, my friend Patty was attacked in the car park, they didn’t hurt her or anything, she got the bastard with her mace, but she sued the guy for a six figure sum and they replaced the lights in the car park, we’d complained about them for months and they never did nothing.  I sometimes felt like I was being watched myself.  It’s always scary being out after dark on your own.”


“They just offered me a cup of coffee.”  The Doctor replied.  “I’ll be fine in a few hours.”


“The Doctor’s allergic to coffee.”  Mickey explained.  “One cup would kill her stone dead.”  Before he could say any more the guards dragged him away.


“That’s an exaggeration.”  The Doctor muttered to Andrea.  “It’s two cups.”


“Are you sure you’re ok?”  Andrea put her arm around the Doctor and hugged her.  “Those brutes, I’ve got a good mind to give them a piece of my mind.”


“You will.”  The Doctor replied.  “They have a mind probe.”




Mickey was returned in a state of semi-consciousness.  He was mumbling something about sports, probably football.  Andrea stood up and waited for the guards to get around to her.  They took her off to another room where they put what looked like an industrial hairdryer over her head.  “I didn’t ask for the permanent wave, oh well.  I guess I can’t ask for a cup of coffee.  I’m quite partial to it myself.  I once had three cups in one hour one morning and I spent an entire afternoon break on the loo and I was wide awake all night, pity my boyfriend was fast asleep or we could have…am I boring you?”.  She looked at the aliens who were walking away from her.  “I thought you wanted to know everything about me.  Don’t want to talk to me though, no.  Too busy trying to do it your way, rather than be involved in the relationship.  You’d rather ignore me rather than have a conversation with me.  It’s like Boris all over again.  True he was Czech but he knew enough English to get me into bed with him, the bastard.  I wasn’t awake ten minutes before he threw me and my clothes out of his flat.  I had to get dressed in front of a lot of twitching curtains.  You won’t get away with this, I won’t stand for it.  I’m not going to be your door mats and if you think you can abduct me and do things to me then you’ve got another thing coming.  I don’t want to be impregnated by some alien foetus, not that I’d get rid mind, at least if I chose to it’d be on my terms and not what anyone pressured me into doing.  Anyone tries any funny business with me, they’ll get a smack in the mouth they won’t soon forget.”




The Doctor and Mickey were surprised when the alien guards brought Andrea back and demanded that they take her away from the planet immediately.  They even shot Mickey in the arm to show they meant business.




“Maybe I have a gift.”  Andrea said to the Doctor as they relaxed by the huge swimming pool.  “I only spent a few minutes talking to them and they let us go.”


“Well it does make a refreshing change for some one other than myself or Mickey to save the day.”  The Doctor took a sip of her non-alcoholic cocktail.  “What did you learn from the experience though?”


“Just by being myself I can accomplish great things.”  Andrea smiled.


“Don’t you think that maybe you’re a socially mal-adjusted individual with behavioural issues?”  The Doctor asked casually.


“Well now I do.”  Andrea sulked.  “You really know how to kill a good celebration.”


“This is just drinks after work.  These are much nicer than lager though, don’t you think?”  The Doctor had another sip of her drink.  “Shortly after we left the people of that planet all committed suicide and the note said that they never wanted to meet anyone like you ever again.”


“Really?”  Andrea scoffed.  “I doubt that.”


The Doctor looked at the planetary suicide note and put it back in her purse.  “Maybe we can work on it together?”


this is very much Andrea's story, we get to see a little of her life previous to meeting the Doctor and Mickey...
Hoar frost (sometimes hoarfrost) refers to the white ice crystals, deposited on the ground or exposed objects, that form when the air is moist and surface is cold. Hoar frost is often seen on cold, clear autumn nights.
The distinction between hoar frost and rime ice is that in formation of hoar frost, the water vapour condenses through deposition directly to solid ice, while the rime ice is formed following initial condensation into liquid droplets. Thus, hoar frost is formed when the dew point is warmer than surface but colder than the air temperature, and colder than freezing point. The formation of frost is an example of meterological deposition.

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