The Spice Doctor

Trouble in Paradise

Season One
Season Two
Season Three

action and adventure in a union jack bikini!

Ibiza was hot, really, really hot.  The Doctor was sporting a union jack bikini to keep herself cool via the cool offshore breeze and also a big hat to keep the sun from burning her milky white skin.  One of the drawbacks of this particular body was the ultra sensitivity to sunlight.  Even though she’d rubbed factor 75 all over her exposed flesh there was still the risk of getting unwanted heat damage.


Mickey was loving the beach.  He was sprawled on a plastic deck chair with a good book about gangsters and his I-pod was playing his favourite mix.  He was wearing just his favourite cut-downs and enjoying the warm weather.  It was far better than dreary old London.  He’d texted his mate Jezza, who was jealous as hell.


The Doctor looked up as a fresh fruit vendor walked past.  She stopped him and bought a large slice of melon from him.  She cut it in half with the sonic screwdriver and handed the larger half to Mickey.  “Maybe we should go back to the TARDIS soon.  I’m about down in this heat now.  I don’t half fancy a dip in the pool.”


“There’s a whole ocean here.”  Mickey pointed to the vast expanse of clear blue sea.


“Salt water just frizzes my hair.”  The Doctor replied.  “Besides I really need to wash all this cream off before I put something else on.”  She stood up and wound her beach towel twice around her body, just above her breasts.  “Have you seen my flip flops?”  She moved the sand about with her feet, exposing the pink foam of her footwear.  “Never mind, I’ve found them.”


Mickey stood up.  “Maybe we can go to that bar later?”


“I take it there’s a match on?”  The Doctor asked rhetorically.


“I thought we could see it and have a relaxing evening.”  Mickey said with a barely concealed grin.


“Isn’t the Imax in the TARDIS good enough for you?”  The Doctor asked.  “I built it just for you.”


“How can I watch it?  You spend all the time in there watching those chick flicks.”


“Oh, well tonight can be football match.  I’ll even let you have two bottles of alcohol.”


“Fine.”  Mickey replied.  “I can take a hint.”


The Doctor smiled.  “I might even have an alcopops.”


“Last time you had a hang over for three days.  Do you think it’s wise?”


“Nothing ventured…”




Above the island a meteorite crashed through the atmosphere at an almost vertical angle.  However it broke up as it crashed and burned through the air, but the core survived through the fiery entry only to explode, scattering a watery green liquid in the air that fell like rain all over the island.




The TARDIS was its usual cosy self as Mickey lounged about in the console room, waiting for the Doctor to get changed.  He kept himself busy by tuning the TARDIS into the pre-match commentary.  The ship translated the Spanish commentators into English and he soaked up the stats like a sponge in a bucket of hot water.




Jesus Estrada was spending his day off work with his boyfriend.  They sat in the garden listening to tacky pop music and enjoying the warm weather.  Suddenly Jesus was splattered by the strange green rain.  Unlike rain though it soaked into his skin and it burned so much.  He screamed in pain as his flesh was pitted like metal in strong acid and the pain burned away his mind to replace it with a new, controlling, intelligence.




The Doctor stepped out of the shower.  The bathroom was full of steam and she was careful not to slip on the white marble floor.  She carefully rubbed her body down with the nearest towel, the big fluffy pink HERS one, next to Mickey’s perpetually limp and damp blue HIS towel.  Once she was dry she pulled on fresh underwear and the pale cream trouser suit she’d already picked out.  It went perfectly with her brown leather sandals and her third set of gold jewellery.  The cheap stuff she usually wore for non-special occasions.  Finally she fixed her make up in record time; she didn’t put her usual full slap on, because of the warm weather.  Instead she wore as little as she felt she could get away with.




Maria Sanchez was out in the street when the green rain poured down on her, soaking into her thin summer dress and then her skin.  Seconds later she was writhing on the ground in agony, before her brain and body were taken over by something else and she stopped being.




The match had almost started when the Doctor finally put in appearance.  “What kept you?”  He asked her.


“You could at least tell me how pretty I look.”  The Doctor complained.


“You look, erm, lovely.”


“You didn’t even notice, I’m wearing the earrings you bought me.”  The Doctor stormed out of the TARDIS.


“Women!”  Mickey muttered darkly, before following the Doctor outside, to find out what he had to apologise for.


The Doctor looked around the deserted bay.  “Where did everyone go?”  She saw drops of discoloured rain in a sticky green puddle.  “That’s not right.  That’s not right at all.”


“What is it?”  Mickey asked.


“A biological control agent.  It overrides a sentient being’s conscious and unconscious mind, turning them into mindless drones which can then be easily controlled by an outside intelligence.  I’ve never seen it used like this before.  Normally it was only used on coma patients to all their conscious minds to be put into the body of someone who’d suffered extreme mental trauma and their minds had shut down.  It was a way of curing one patient at the expense of another.  I thought I’d stopped it years ago.”


“Seems sensible to me.”  Mickey replied.  “I mean it’s better than having two patients, at least one of them can lead a normal life.”


“Like all technology its use was perverted, it was used as a weapon, then a means of social control.  Finally the planet was filled with zombies, mindless foot shufflers all without anyone to control them.  I fear that may happen to the Earth.”


“What if they have someone controlling them?”  Mickey asked.


“Then we might be in even greater danger.  I’m immune to this sort of primitive technology, but you’re not.  I just hope that the effects are reversible.”


There was a roar and a giant furry creature lurched into view.


“Oh no!”  The Doctor yelped in surprise.  “Run, Mickey!”


“It’s like an abominable snowman!”  Mickey yelled at the Doctor.


“It’s a Yeti.”  The Doctor replied.  “A robot minion of a giant space conscience calling itself the Great Intelligence.  I should have realised sooner.  If it’s controlling the people then it’ll have already begun to have started making its web.  Soon this island will be uninhabitable and then in time the world will become its playground.  Humanity as we know it will be extinct.  We have to stop it now, before it can build a powerbase.”  The Doctor took her mobile out of her handbag.  “I need to call some old friends of mine.”  She dialled a very long number.


Mickey looked around the empty street.  “If there’s no one about, who’s looking after the bar?”


“Now’s not the time to get drunk.”  The Doctor said sharply.


“No.”  Mickey replied quickly.  “I was thinking, we could make Molotov cocktails.”


The Doctor grinned.  “Humanity’s greatest tool, its first weapon.  Mickey, it might just work.  If we can firestorm the island then we might defeat it.  You’re a genius.”  She kissed Mickey on the lips.  “For being so clever.”  She said quickly, blushed, and walked away as her call was put through.


Mickey reeled for a second, before going off to make the Molotov cocktails.




The Major put the telephone down.  “Prime Minister.  That was the telephone call I never wanted to get.”


Harriet Jones looked at the Major.  “Who was it.”


“An old ally of ours.  Funny, I never expected…  Not that it wasn’t possible I guess…  I mean if you can change your face that often I guess you’re bound to…  It was the Doctor.”


“How is he?  Was that Rose you spoke to?  It sounded like a woman’s voice.”


“No, that was the Doctor.  She’s a woman, apparently.”


“Oh.”  Harriet frowned for a second.  “I thought maybe it was just a title.”


“No, no.  We’ve got recorded footage, the Doctor changed appearance right in front of one of UNIT’s former commanders.  Base security caught the whole event on CCTV.”


“Well, what does she want?”


“Apparently the island of Ibiza has been taken over by something called the Great Intelligence.  We’ve encountered it before.  That London Underground scare in 1967.  That was the very reason why UNIT was created, to deal with threats like it and the Cybermen and a dozen other nasties.”


“I see.  Well Spain is outside my jurisdiction.”


“But not mine.”  The Major smiled.  “We are a part of the UN after all.  I’ll telephone my Spanish counterpart, Colonel Catalina Rios, and forward her all the necessary information.  We were at Sandhurst together.  I introduced her to her husband.  She owes me a favour.”




Mickey and the Doctor backed away slowly as the hoard of Yeti tried to surround them.  Their plan to use home made explosives had failed miserably.  Instead of creating another web, the controlled humans were cutting themselves up and installing their brains into Yeti bodies, creating an army of killer cyborgs.


“I’m so sorry Mickey.”  The Doctor said to her companion as the killer creatures drew closer.


“It’s ok.”  Mickey replied.  “I always knew I’d get killed one day.”


The Doctor took Mickey’s hand in hers.  “At least we’re together.”


“We’ll go down fighting.”


“I love you.”


“I love you too.”


They kissed, just as the hail of bullets tore into the Yeti creatures.


The Doctor quickly pulled herself off of Mickey.  “We’re safe?  I just got caught up in the moment.  Sorry.”


“Yeah.”  Mickey said quickly.  “Me too.”  He rubbed the Doctor’s lipstick off his mouth with the back of his hand.  “What happened to them?”


The Doctor picked up a stray bullet.  “Teflon coated.  Non-stick bullets.  Good old UNIT, they really do think of every way to kill something.”


An olive skinned woman advanced towards the two survivors.  “Buenas tardes Señorita Doctor and Señor Miguel Smith.  ¿Cómo estás?”


“I’m the Doctor.”  The Doctor replied.  “You’re not Winifred.”


“No.  I am Colonel Catalina…”


“Never mind that now.”  The Doctor said to the UNIT officer.  “Thank you for saving our lives.  I don’t suppose you have the device?”


“Yes I do.”  Colonel Rios replied.  “My country’s government were not happy about me threatening to dissolve their rule and establish martial law, but I convinced them that radical Eta terrorists had seized the island and killed everyone.  They quickly agreed that the firestorm was the only way to reclaim Spanish territory.”


“A good lie.”  The Doctor nodded.  “Especially given that you’re Basque yourself.”


“It is true that my people will one day get their freedom, but not through the use of force.  Hate only breeds hate.  I serve my people and I serve the United Nations by protecting them from danger.”


“No need to justify yourself to me.”  The Doctor replied.  “I only noticed the slight inflection of your accent.  Don’t worry, it’s not detectable to human ears.  We should get started at once.”


“A quien madruga, Dios le ayuda.”  Colonel Rios said with a smile.


“Yes, well I never sleep myself.”  The Doctor followed the UNIT officer to where the mini-doomsday device was waiting to be deployed.




Mickey watched from the aeroplane as the island below them suddenly flared brightly into life.  A huge cloud of smoke rose up quickly before collapsing back down upon itself when the brief burst of heat dissipated and couldn’t support the column of black cloud any longer.  “I guess this means that there’ll be no more Ibiza trance CD’s in the shops.”


“What a shame.”  The Doctor frowned.  “Maybe they’ll re-release all the old ones?”


“Your puerile bleatings mean nothing to me.”  Colonel Rios laughed.  “You cannot defeat me.”


“She must have touched the liquid.”  The Doctor said to Mickey.  “She’s possessed.”


The plane began to pitch downwards.


“These shells will be sacrificed to ensure your death.”


“The pilot’s infected too.”  Mickey said to the Doctor.  “What are we going to do?”


The Doctor picked up two parachutes and handed one to Mickey.  “Put this on, quickly.”


Mickey struggled to put the parachute on, while the Doctor struggled with the army woman.  Eventually he got it on.  “What now?”


The Doctor grabbed hold of the other parachute and aimed the sonic screwdriver at the aeroplane door.  It blew off with a shower of sparks.  The Doctor ran out of the plane with the parachute in her hands.


“What the?”  Mickey stood still in shock for a second, before realising the danger.  He followed the Doctor outside.  Below him the blackened island rushed up at him.  He saw the Doctor struggling into the parachute and then her chute opened and she shot upwards at great speed.  Mickey activated his own chute and it slowed his fall down considerably.  He saw the aeroplane crash into the sea with a fiery ball of orange flames.




The Major looked at the Prime Minister.  “UNIT Gibraltar has lost contact with Seabird 4.”


“We can only hope now.”  Harriet said mostly to herself.  “Do you want a cup of coffee?”




The island was covered in a huge mass of sticky web like stuff.  Mickey fell into a huge clump of it and it held him tightly.  He felt tired, like it was doing something to him.  However someone grabbed his hand and hauled him out of it.  “Doctor!”  He hugged his best friend.  “That was well impressive, jumping out of the plane like that.”


“You watch enough Bond movies and you get some crazy ideas.”  The Doctor brushed stray cobwebs off of Mickey.  “Are you hurt?  I thought I broke my ankle, but it’s just a sprain.”


“I’m fine.  The web took the brunt of the impact.”  Mickey looked at it.  “So this is that stuff you were on about?”


“Yes.  Obviously that fire stuff was a way of getting me out of the way, making me think the Intelligence was stopped when it really wasn’t.  Not for nothing is it called the Great Intelligence.  Luckily for Earth though I happen to be a genius.”


“Doctor, you burned the toast last night.”


“Well, I can’t be expected to do everything now, can I?”  The Doctor headed towards the TARDIS, remarkably unaffected by flames or web.  “We can locate the Intelligence’s base of operations in the ship.  Now that all other life on the island is gone, the only remaining lives will be shielded and controlled by the Intelligence.”


“So we’re going to its lair?”


“Into the belly of the beast.”  The Doctor replied.  “Scared?”


“No.”  Mickey lied.


“I am.”  The Doctor replied.  “Still you can be brave for both of us.”


“I was lying.”  Mickey admitted the truth.


“I know.”  The Doctor said simply and took his hand.  “Let’s go.”




The ‘base’ was little more than an empty night club.  Inside it was a mess of half-complete Yeti and headless corpses.  The central object was a pulsating glowing mass of webs in the rough shape of the sphere.  The TARDIS materialised to one side of the room.  A deep sombre laugh filled the club and the few remaining possessed humans tore their brains out and fitted them into Yeti bodies.  However they were easily deactivated by the sonic screwdriver.


“Get off this world!”  The Doctor yelled.  “It’s not yours.”


“All will succumb to me.  Your puny mind cannot stop me.”


“I have before.”  The Doctor replied.  “Your species evolved to live in space, out there among the stars is your home, return to it.  Be with your own people, swimming in the spiral nebulae and frolicking in the liquid atmosphere of neutron stars.  Small planets like these are not toys for you to play with.  These people had real lives, each one as precious as a wedding ring or a new pair of really lovely shoes.  My point is you can’t just kill people, it’s just wrong.”


“You tell him.”  Mickey said to the Doctor.


“This planet s mine to control.  Its people are my slaves.  I shall do with them as I please.”


“Then you leave me no choice.”  The Doctor took the last Molotov cocktail from her handbag.  She threw it at the mass of sticky fibres, drenching it in the inflammable liquid.”


Mickey lit a match from one of the many books of matches sporting the nightclub’s trendy logo.  He took a step back as the web went up in a huge fireball.  “Woah!”


The Doctor dragged her companion inside of the TARDIS as the nightclub itself caught fire and started to burn.




“UNIT Gibraltar reported a secondary fire after the main burst.  A single structure was shielded from the initial blast.  It exploded from inside of this shield.”  The Major handed over satellite images.  “We believe that this is the TARDIS.  It just disappears between pictures taken ten seconds apart.”


“Has a cover story been prepared?”


“The usual, a terrorist attack by Eta.”


“I see.  Well if the problem has been taken care of I don’t see any need to question the story.  We’ll offer the usual support and services.  We can do no more.”


“We were lucky this time; once again the Doctor saved us.”




The Doctor set the TARDIS controls for the ice planet of Agnost’s Redoubt.  “The next time I decide to have a good time and relax, remind me to forget it.  I always end up paying a terrible price for a simple beach holiday.”


Mickey shook his head in disagreement.  “Hey, it’s not like trouble follows us around, is it?”


The Doctor sighed.  “I hope not Mickey, I hope not.”


 features a classic Who enemy for the first time since the Daleks in the opening story...

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