Prince Edmund
Plantagenet of York (aka The Black Adder)
He was apparently
the third man of that name to rise to the throne following Edmund I of England (reigned 939 - 946) and Edmund II of England
(reigned 1016), but the first since the current series of English regnal numbers began with William I.
Edmund was born
in 1461 to Gertrude of Flanders, the Witch Queen. Gertrude was married to Richard, Duke of York but was also carrying an affair
with Donald McAngus, Third Duke of Argyll. Which of the two men was his father remains uncertain.
There is no contemporaneous
account of Prince Edmund's life until 21 August 1485. His first appearance on record seems to have been at a feast on
the eve of the Battle of Bosworth Field. There King Richard III of England
(cf. Peter Cook) gathered his supporters to make war against Henry Tudor. Lord Edmund Plantagenet, as he then was, arrived
in the company of his father the Duke of York and brother, Harry, Earl of March.
However, when Edmund
cheered for the King the latter had to enquire as to the former's identity. As his own father then appeared not to know him,
Edmund had to be identified by his brother. The King was not particularly impressed by his grand-nephew and asked the Duke:
"You're, er, not putting him anywhere near me, are you?"
After this less
than heart-warming reception Edmund turned to speak to his "friend" Lord Percy, Duke of Northumberland. The two were soon
joined by an ex-dung heap employee called Baldrick, who with a bit of flattery managed to win some favour with Edmund. Lord
Edmund immediately chose this new acquaintance as his squire for the morning battle, which loomed in importance to because,
as he put it, "If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk,
and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland".
Predictably, on
22 August, the day of the battle, both Edmund and Baldrick overslept. They rushed to the battlefield, Edmund by horse and
Baldrick by mule. Edmund was initially eager to participate in "The first decent battle since I reached puberty,"but, observing
the combatants from afar, he came to the shocking realisation that fighting could lead to death. He decided at that moment
to remain a spectator. Noticing, however, that someone was attempting to take his horse, Edmund finally drew his sword and
decapitated the stranger.
He was initially
surprised by, then proud of, his first kill, until he recognized the stranger to be his great-uncle Richard, the King of England.
That night the victorious army swore to the name of their new King Richard IV of England
(played by Brian Blessed), nephew of their fallen monarch. Harry and Edmund were promoted to Royal Princes. The accidental
murder had placed Edmund second-in-line to inherit the English throne.
Edmund resolved
to become more assertive, giving himself the title The Black Vegetable. Baldrick instead suggested The Black Adder, which
Edmund wisely adopted, although few people were aware of his nom de guerre and only Dougal McAngus ever called him by it (and
that sarcastically).
A less fortunate
consequence of his experience in battle was that Edmund found himself haunted by the ghost of his great-uncle (in a manner
clearly similar to Macbeth's haunting by Banquo's.) At one point the ghost chased him into a foggy meadow. There Edmund was
confronted by three witches (Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia), who predicted that this "Ruler of men, Ravisher of women, Slayer
of kings"shall live to become King. An increasingly ambitious Edmund thus proclaimed "History, here I come!". But, as soon
as he left the meadow, the Witches remarked among themselves that they had expected Henry Tudor to look less Jewish, thus
revealing that the prediction was meant for another. (This event also was reminiscent of Macbeth. Additionally, the Witches'
names are those of the daughters of King Lear.)
As the second son
of the King, Edmund's official titles included: Duke of Edinburgh; Lord Warden of the Royal Privies; and the Laird of Roxburgh,
Selkirk, and Peebles. These however came with little actual authority.
In 1486, the second
year of his reign and reportedly "the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency", King Richard
IV departed his Kingdom to join a new Crusade against the Ottoman Empire under Bayezid II. Prince Harry
was appointed Regent for the duration of his absence. Edmund saw the event as his "chance for some real power".
However the winter
of 1486/1487 found Edmund flocking sheep. Harry at least bothered to personally inform him that their father would return
by St. Leonard's Day and that there would be a common celebration for both events.
Harry would handle the visiting Royals, the guards of honour and the Papal legate of Pope Innocent VIII while Edmund was responsible
for organising the festivities and attending to the storm drains. Harry was already looking forward to being entertained by
Morris dancers, eunuchs and bearded women. Edmund pretended to be honoured by his appointment, but actually felt humiliated
and enraged.
Edmund soon found
difficulties with his new duties. The only available bearded woman had recently shaved her beard. He was also not particularly
impressed when Lord Percy suggested hiring "The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem" whose sole entertainment value was that they jumped,
"a lot." He was though somewhat intrigued to learn of the play The Death of the Pharaoh by Sir Dominick Prique and his Thespianic
troop. Baldrick suggested the hiring of Jerry Meriwether and His Four Chickens. Their stated entertainment value was that
they could lay eggs. Edmund was not impressed but agreed in order to avoid arguing with his advisor.
He was then enraged
to find the eunuchs had turned down his offer. He reacted by sending an order for their execution to the Lord Chancellor.
(The historical Lord Chancellor of the time was John Alcock). Harry was displeased to learn that there would be no eunuchs
in a feast honouring a eunuch Saint. He also informed his brother that the expected Dougal McAngus, Marquess of Kintyre and
Lorne, Supreme Commander of the King's Army, had a preference for eunuchs. Harry believed this to be due to the great warrior
being Scottish.
Edmund soon commented
to Lord Percy and Baldrick of his distaste for this Scottish orangutan. He proceeded to state that the Scots were just barbarians
since half of them couldn't speak the English language. (This was correct, as in the 15th century, while most lowland Scots
spoke the dialect of Middle English that was evolving into Scots, the Highlands were almost entirely
Gaelic-speaking.) Nevertheless, Edmund stated he would find suitable entertainers. He instructed Baldrick to get a nice dress
and perform as a bearded lady. He was not surprised to find Baldrick excited over the idea. He also sent Lord Percy to hire
Bernard the Bear Baiter and to make sure that this year he would actually come with a bear. (In the event, though, Bernard
brought a rabbit.)
Dougal McAngus soon
arrived with recently won Turkish treasures and news from the crusaders. He also transported the regards of his father to
the Queen consort. (McAngus was unaware that during his journey to England
his father had died and that he was now Fourth Duke of Argyll.) Harry then attempted to introduce Dougal to Edmund. With Dougal
mistaking the younger Prince for a eunuch, the two got off to a bad start. When Edmund introduced himself as the Duke of Edinburgh,
McAngus complained about the Duke being as Scottish as "as the Queen of England 's tits ".
Harry attempted
to defuse the situation by informing McAngus that his heroic efforts in battle had won the favour of the King. His latest
correspondence instructed Harry to offer McAngus whatever he desired. Edmund was not pleased that Dougal asked for "fair Selkirk,
and the noble shire of Roxburgh". Though commenting that those lands in fact belong to him, Edmund failed to make an impression
on either Harry or Dougal. Complaining that these would only leave him with Peebles, only reminded McAngus to ask for Peebles
too. At first commenting that: "Well! What an absurd idea, giving away half of Scotland
to a kilted maniac for slaughtering a couple of syphilitic Turks!". However a little persuasion at swordpoint by McAngus was
enough for Edmund to apparently change his mind.
Soon however, Edmund
started scheming to attack McAngus in the Great Hall and to stab him in the urinary bladder. Baldrick politely pointed out
that attacking in full view of the Court was bound to cause suspicions. Baldrick suggested a "cunning plan" to get McAngus
to stick his own head down a cannon and then blow it off. Edmund instead chose to follow the Scotsman who had gone hunting.
Soon enough Edmund was literally caught in the snare of his rival.
Quick at improvising,
Edmund offered McAngus the protagonist role in the performance of the Mystery play The Death of the Scotsman (the above mentioned
The Death of the Pharaoh with a telling change of title). He would only need to learn "acting dead". Dougal accepted and naturally
Edmund arranged for a stage death for him.
On the night of
the fateful performance however, Dougal approached Edmund to discuss with him. He revealed that the Third Duke of Argyll and
the Queen were former lovers. He also claimed to have letters proving the affair and disputing the parentage of Harry. Seeing
his one chance of removing Harry from the line of succession, Edmund prevented the assassination.
Later, Edmund had
the chance to examine the letters himself. They were dated 1460, year of birth for his brother. McAngus even suggested to
Edmund that: "If you played your cards right, you could become King ", and sooner than he thought. He claimed Richard IV was
last seen entering Constantinople alone, armed with a fruit knife and facing 10,000 Turks armed with
scimitars.
Soon enough, an
excited Edmund revealed the letters and their contents to the members of the Royal court, claiming Harry to be illegitimate
and the King deceased. Lord Percy was the first to shout "The King is dead! Long live the King! ". Edmund was living his greatest
triumph. But at that moment Richard IV chose to return, claiming to have made it "thanks to my trusty fruit knife!".
Edmund was surprised
but did try to point the letters to his father. The letters however dated from November-December, 1460, when Harry was already
born. A smiling McAngus then pointed that this came about nine months before the birth of Edmund. Edmund was quick to claim
the letters to be forgeries and threw them to the fireplace. On the heat of the moment, Edmund also challenged McAngus (his
possible half-brother) to a duel. Dougal was quick to accept and Richard was looking forward to the entertainment.
The duel was a short-lived
one. McAngus managed to disarm Edmund with a single blow of the sword. On his knees and with a sword on his neck, Edmund begged
for his life and offered everything he had to Dougal. "I'm, I'm hardly a rich man. But, but my horse must be worth a thousand
ducats. I can sell my wardrobe - the pride of my life - my swords, my curtains, my socks, and my fighting cocks. My servants
I can live without, except perhaps he who oils my rack. And then my most intimate treasures: my collection of antique codpieces,
my wigs for state occasions, my wigs for private occasions, and my wigs - heh - for humourous occasions; my collection of
pokers, ...my autographed miniature of Judas Iscariot ".
McAngus at first
pretended to be about to strike but then revealed his interest in the wigs. He did comment, though, "I hope life doesn't become
too dull now that you won't be able to pass laws over Scotland."
Edmund's reply was "I wouldn't pass water over Scotland."
A while later Edmund and Dougal were seen keeping company with Harry, believing them to have become firm friends. This was
not so, however. Edmund went through with Baldrick's plan and McAngus died in an "accident" involving a cannon. Edmund had
disposed of a possible half-brother and a dangerous rival. (The episode was the only one to refer to Richard IV of England
as also being "Richard XII of Scotland". There was historically
no King of Scotland named Richard. Scotland was at the time
under James III of Scotland. The union between the thrones
of England and Scotland
would not occur until March 24, 1603, when James VI of Scotland
succeeded Elizabeth I of England).
November, 1487 started
a new chapter in the conflicts between The Crown and Church of England. The Duke of Winchester, greatest landowner in England,
was dying, presumably without heir. (Historically the Peers of Winchester were known as the Earl of Winchester
or Marquess of Winchester. The title was at the time held by Lewis de Bruges, 1st Earl of Winchester, who would not die until
1492). Both King Richard IV and Godfrey, Archbishop of Canterbury were attempting
to convince the dying man to leave his lands to the authorities represented by them. (Historically the Archbishop of the time
was John Morton).
The former was urging
him to leave them to his "beloved" King. The latter threatening his "filthy soul"with "Hell ! Where Satan belches fire, and
enormous devils break wind both night and day! Hell! Where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse, and your bottom
never free from the pricking of little forks! Hell! Where the softest bits of your nether regions are everybody else's favourite
lunch!". Not surprisingly the latter arguments had a stronger effect on the Duke who signed his last will moments before leaving
his last breath. The gloating Archbishop would not however enjoy his victory. The King had Sir Tavish Mortimer, his hired
killer, rush toward him with his head bowed while wearing a spiked helmet. The death was reported as an accident.
Godfrey was reportedly
the third Archbishop to have died during the year. Archbishop Bertram had been crushed by a falling gargoyle while swimming
off Beachy Head. And Archbishop Wilfred had been reported to have slipped, "falling backwards onto
the spire of Norwich Cathedral ".
A shrewd prince
Edmund was already
interested in the fate of the Duke and his lands. His informant Baldrick, however, had news only on the Duchess of Gloucester
giving birth to twin goblins. (Historically the position was left vacant at the time. The last Duke was Richard III. The last
Duchess was his consort Anne Neville, deceased since March 16, 1485).
Messengers soon informed both Princes that the Duke had died along with the Archbishop. The surprisingly naive Harry was convinced
of its status as an accident. The shrewdish Edmund however made sarcastic remarks, revealing knowledge of it being a murder
and deducing the method and motivation. The remarks naturally went unnoticed by Harry.
The night found
Prince Edmund, Lord Percy and Baldrick discussing who would be likely to take over. Edmund imagined it would be one of "the
bishop fellows"since they "tend to go for religious types". A better informed Baldrick reported of a rumour suggesting the
King wants to choose Prince Harry. His source was the reliable Jane Smart, who had also informed him of the Duchess of Kent
having a chocolate chastity belt. (Historically the current title was Earl of Kent, held at the time by Edmund Grey, 1st Earl
of Kent. His Countess was Katherine Percy).
Edmund saw this
as a chance for Harry to die early as had his predecessors. This would make Edmund the next King. However, Baldrick had been
misinformed. The following day Richard IV announced that "following careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus
Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost"the choice fell on "Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh". This caused Edmund to
fear for his own life (and to suffer acute embarrassment on receiving the homage of the assembled clergy, as at the time he
was wearing a somewhat phallic codpiece).
Edmund decided to
discuss the appointment with his father. Richard informed him that "Do not be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I have
always despised you. You, compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement as compared to cream! So now, my boy, when
I have at last found a use for you, do not try to get out of it! ". Edmund did suggest choosing another man "equally weak-willed
and feeble". His father countered that there is no such man. Edmund suggested choosing "someone who believed in God"unlike
himself. Thus Edmund probably counted himself an atheist, apatheist or agnostic. Richard explained that "If I needed someone
who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry - not an embarrassing little weed like you". He finished by kindly advising Edmund:
"if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites".
Edmund pretended
to obey, but actually prepared to flee to France. His escape
was prevented by the King himself. Edmund was escorted to Canterbury by Harry,
who was actually interested in discussing questions of theology with his rather disinterested brother. According to the following
narration "His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow
of his father's threat hung over him". However Edmund was unaware of the exact content of this threat. Asking Baldrick, who
had become a monk, to enlighten him on what did God do to Sodomites, Edmund only received the answer "I do not know, My Lord,
but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other". Meanwhile Percy had been appointed Bishop of Ramsgate
by his friend.
Edmund struggled
to avoid the wrath of his father. This was exemplified by the end of Lord Graveney, another presumably heirless peer, whose
lands were coveted by King and Church alike. William, Bishop of London, brother of the dead Archbishop Godfrey (to whom he
bore a strong resemblance) had already been attempting to convince the dying Lord to sign a will favouring the Church by using
the typical threats of Hell (historically the current Bishop was Thomas Kempe, the next "William" to hold the title was William
Warham in 1502). Edmund instead tried to convince the dying man that the Church had no need of his lands. He accepted the
confession of Lord Graveney who admitted to having committed many sins, including patricide, more than a thousand cases of
adultery and a sexual affair with his own mother. The latter case of apparent incest surprised even Edmund, Percy and King
Richard.
Edmund proceeded
however to kindly explain : "The thing about Heaven, is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in
Heaven, like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants. Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like
the other sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture -those areas. Give your lands to the Crown, and once you're dead, you
will have the time of your life!". Convinced of the possibility of an eternity of adultery and pillage, Lord Graveney gladly
signed his estate to the Crown. His last statement being "I leave my lands to the Crown, and my soul in the hands of the Lord.
May He treat me like the piece of refuse that I am and send me to Hell!". Edmund had finally gained the gratitude of his father.
However this gratitude
did not secure his life. Edmund was the subject of a discussion between Richard IV and Gertrude. The latter was almost unable
to believe that "the naughty little boy, whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font last Thursday"was also
the Archbishop of Canterbury. Richard was for the first time pleased with Edmund. He toasted to "A long and healthy life to
him! I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" ". (This
phrase is attributed to Henry II of England, who reigned between
1154 and 1189, in reference to Archbishop Thomas Becket, whose term lasted from 1162 till his assassination on December 29, 1170).
The last sentence
was overheard by two knights who took it literally as instructions to murder the current Archbishop of Canterbury. Meanwhile
Edmund and Baldrick were considering ways to profit from their new position. According to Baldrick "There appear to be four
major profit areas: Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of nuns". Edmund was curious of the latter, unsure
that there were people who would pay for them. Baldrick assured his Lord that there were foreign businessmen and other nuns.
They then focused
on pardons. The cheapest was a pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed by an apprentice curate and costing two pebbles.
The most expensive was a pardon of "anything whatsoever, including murder, adultery, or dismemberment of a friend or relative",
signed by both Popes. The latter is a pun concerning the often concurrent existence of a Pope and one or more Antipopes all
claiming the same authority. However historically the last of the latter Antipope Felix V had abdicated on April 7, 1449. Pope Innocent VIII was unopposed at the time.
Edmund and Baldrick
then discussed profiting from curses, ranging from "may slightly unfortunate and annoying events occur such as an onion falling
on top of your head" to "may you turn orange in hue, and your head fall off at an awkward moment", though none of these really
work. Edmund then got to his explaining their stock of relics. Including Shrouds from Turin,
wine from the marriage at Cana, splinters from the True Cross and artifacts created by Jesus as a carpenter.
Bishop Percy complained that all of these were obviously fake and would not allow people to tell them apart from real relics.
Archbishop Edmund stated that this was the point.
Bishop Percy revealed
his own relic, a finger of Jesus, which he asserted to be genuine until Baldrick proceeded to explain to him that those were
on sale in boxes of ten. Also available were the noses of Jesus, Saint Peter, Saint Francis of Assisi,
and the breasts of Joan of Arc. (Joan was not canonised by the Roman Catholic Church in real history until May 16, 1920).
The discussion was
interrupted by the arrival of the two assassins. Introducing themselves as recently returning Crusaders George de Boeuf and
Justin de Boinod, they proceeded to hunt down Edmund, Percy and Baldrick. The trio eventually escaped by crossdressing as
nuns but the incident apparently put an end to their careers with the Church.
The activities of
Edmund for the following several years remain unknown. His return to prominence occurred in 1492. That year, according to
the narration, "the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the Treaty of Insects"threw Europe
into disarray. "Kingdoms rose and fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own side and women raped
by soldiers from up to seven different nations every week".
Historically, at
the time Saxony was divided between Prince-elector Frederick III the Wise (reigned 1486 - 1492) and
his uncle Duke Albert the Bold (reigned 1486 - 1500). There has been no Duke or Prince-Elector named Randolph.
Otherwise the description of the state of Europe at the time is not that far from the truth.
England
under Richard IV was apparently also involved in the general conflict. King Richard was apparently noted for the cynicism
in his military strategy. Informed that the Swiss had invaded France,
the King ordered Lord Wessex to take advantage of their absence
and pillage Geneva. Reminded of his alliance to the Swiss, Richard merely issued
orders for his invading force of 10,000 men to be dressed as Germans. He also took time to send flowers to the King of France
"in sympathy for the death of his son ", despite being personally responsible for said death. (The historical King of France
at the time was Charles VIII whose firstborn son Prince Charles-Orland of France
was actually born in 1492).
Richard IV did not
neglect diplomacy either. He explained to Prince Harry that the secret to the latter lies in fornication and then marriage.
He explained his plan to form an alliance with Spain against
France, by marrying Harry to the Spanish Infanta. At this
point some comments should be offered on the complex historical Spanish-English relations of the late 15th and 16th century.
In 1492, "Spain" still consisted of the Kingdoms of Castile
and Aragon, under the rule of consorts and co-rulers Isabella of Castile and Ferdinand II of Aragon.
Henry VII Tudor sought an alliance with them, resulting in the marriage of his elder son Arthur, Prince of Wales to their
youngest daughter Catherine of Aragon in November, 1501. When Arthur died early, Catherine was married to his younger brother
Henry VIII (the historical Arthur and Henry being first cousins to the fictional Harry and Edmund). Henry VII himself offered
a marriage proposal to her sister Joanna of Castile late in his life. On June 23,
1516, Spain was united under Charles I, son of
Joanna and nephew of Catherine and Henry VIII. On July 25, 1554 Queen
Mary I of England, daughter of Henry VIII and Catherine, was
married to then Crown Prince Philip II of Spain, son of Charles
I. The union intended to unite the thrones of Spain and England
under their descendants. With the death of Mary on November 17, 1558
and the marriage proposal of by then King Philip to her younger half-sister Elizabeth I of England
turned down, this union was prevented. The plan of fictional Richard IV was perhaps intended as a reference to those well-known
historical events.
Said plan however
could not work. Harry had already been concurrently engaged to several other noble women:
* Princess Leia of Hungary
* Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg
* Queen Beowulfa of Iceland
* Countess Caroline of Luxembourg
* Bertha of Flanders
* Bertha of Brussels
* Bernard of Saxe-Coburg, correction Bertha of Saxe-Coburg (there was some confusion of whether
this was a fiancé or a fiancée for Harry).
* Jeremy of Estonia (a definite
fiancé to the confused Harry).
Even Richard hesitated
to add a ninth concurrent engagement to Harry. "But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then the whole plan falls apart!"However
his advisor Lord Chiswick reminded his King of the existence of another son. Edmund, who his father only remembered as "the
slimy one". The decision had already been taken, Edmund would marry the Spanish Infanta.
Edmund had recently
fallen in love with an unnamed woman and was bitter about being violently turned down by her. Both Baldrick and Lord Percy
took advantage of the situation to have some laughs on his expense. Edmund was about to swear off women when the message of
his approaching engagement arrived. Edmund was delighted. " This is no ordinary woman, Percy. This is a beautiful royal princess.
Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like".
He rushed to meet
her. Only to learn that Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain (played
by Miriam Margolyes) was actually rather obese and seemed repulsive to him. She, however, proclaimed Edmund to be the true
love of her life. Meanwhile Richard IV was informed that Lord Wessex was dead. Having lost his general, the King wanted to
rush the alliance with Spain. Thus arranging the marriage
for the following day. Edmund was appalled to learn that "in twenty-four hours, I'll be married to a walrus! "
His advisors were
at his side however, with cunning plans to avoid the marriage. Lord Percy advised him to pretend being insane, disguise as
a little pig but start saying "Moo " instead of "oink". Baldrick had another plan. Edmund should pretend to " prefer the intimate
company of men " . Just like the Earl of Doncaster. Because " who would want to marry the Earl of Doncaster"? Edmund thought
it brilliant. " No-one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort". (Historically the Earldom
of Doncaster and Dukedom of Beaufort were not created until the reign of Charles II.)
Baldrick instructed
him that "Now all you need to do is practise with Percy". A rather confused Edmund was trained in flirting with his male friend,
acting effeminate and applying lipstick to himself. All for the eyes of his father. Richard however was busy sending the ashes
of the King of Naples to the Queen of Naples. As usual he failed to notice his younger son. (Historically the King of Naples
at the time was Ferdinand I of Naples who would not die until January 25, 1494. His Queen at that time was Joanna of Aragon, sister of Ferdinand II of Aragon).
The Infanta did
notice but thought that Edmund was only dressing as a Spanish man to delight her! Edmund however had another plan in mind.
He could not marry the Infanta if he was already married. So Edmund ordered Baldrick to abduct a Reverend Lloyd and Percy
to find a suitable bride. Percy chose Tally Applebottom (played by Jane Freeman). But at the altar, while exchanging vows,
Tally identified herself as Mrs. Applebottom. Edmund was surprised but had no time to search for another bride. The Reverend
commented that marrying an already married person "is most unusual " . Edmund argued that " The Church is never going to progress
if it is not just a bit adaptable!". Baldrick resolved the matter by holding a knife at the throat of the Reverend. The latter
commented that " Has not the Church always dealt with the unusual? The miracle with the fishes, for example" . This marriage
was however canceled with the arrival of a furious Mr. Thomas Applebottom and his scythe.
Meanwhile the Infanta
had decided to learn more about her beloved Edmund. She approached his mother for a discussion. Gertrude however was oblivious
to the matter discussed. Asked about Englishmen, Gertrude gave a less than flattering description. "Well, they spend most
of their time with animals, you know, and with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing!
... a kind of pudding made of bread and butter and raisins. And, of course, the other thing... custard!"
The Infanta then
asked what is Edmund like in bed. Unlike Jocasta however, Gertrude knew nothing about that aspect of her son. As also pointed
by her answers: "Well, in bed, he likes hot milk, with just a little touch of cinnamon". Asked again, Gertrude corrected in
saying : "Well, he is like a little rabbit, really". And that is what the Infanta wanted to hear.
The last night of
his unmarried life found Edmund thoroughly depressed. Even his own stag party was depressing. Consisting of only him, Percy
and Baldrick, wearing antlers. The latter two were also moody. Though perhaps this had to do more with the dog prepared as
their dinner. Baldrick attempted to console his Lord by pointing that his wife was a virgin.That gave Edmund another idea:
" Or at least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. If she was not, we might still stand a chance. Officially, you
have still got to be a virgin " . So Baldrick was sent to join the Infanta in bed, pretending to be Edmund and to take her
virginity. While Edmund went to inform his father.
However his choice
of words was for once poor: "I bring the gravest of news". Leading to King Richard questioning him on whether the armies of
the Rhine had " been slaughtered to a man and their heads cut off, and melted cheese poured down their nostrils in the traditional
Swiss manner " or whether "the Russian royal family mistaken for bison due to their excessive winter clothing, and hunted
down, chopped to pieces and eaten as little sweets by Mongolian bandits " . But Ivan III of Russia,
his family and presumably the Rhine armies were still alive. Richard relaxed to learn that the news
only reported the Infanta not being a virgin. She had already lost her virginity before arriving in England, as Richard knew,
having been informed of the fact by her uncle while negotiating the dowry. Richard informed Edmund that "Only one of you has
to be a virgin!" . Edmund did not protest, apparently admitting to being a virgin at the age of 31.
The morning marriage
however had to be cancelled. A messenger reported that, as Richard IV had already suspected, " The Swiss and French made sudden
peace with each other at a mountain pass rendez-vous, then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain,
thus leaving us without friends in Europe, unless by chance we make an immediate pact with Hungary".
Thus Edmund had
to marry the one Hungarian Princess available in the castle. Princess Leia of Hungary,
described as "young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals and her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut" . Leia (played by Natasha
King) was a girl of eight years. Edmund was surprised to meet his new wife. But he apparently stoically chose to accept his
fate.
The strange couple
did not reportedly lack in mutual affection. But slept in separate bedrooms. In a way Edmund assumed the role of a father,
entertaining his young wife with bedtime stories of elves and fairies. He was apparently resigned to wait for her to grow
up. Whether the couple ever proceeded in a romantic or sexual relationship remains uncertain. Leia would still be an adolescent
of fourteen years at the time of his death.
Nothing is known
about the activities of Edmund for the following three years. However this period of presumably peaceful existence would soon
come to an end. According to the narration "By the autumn of the Year of Our Lord 1495, the Black Plague once again howled
westwards across Europe from the Indies, carried by seamen and entering England
by the South West Passage. Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake and not even the best
and noblest escaped its horror."
Prince Harry soon
informed Edmund that their father was "feeling a bit under the weather". Edmund was somewhat excited, since the death of Richard
IV would make Harry King and Edmund himself heir presumptive to the throne. Enquiring on what was the disease, Edmund was
informed that it remained uncertain. Harry himself thought it was the Black Plague. Harry also suggested that the King would
appreciate a "a little visit" from Edmund. However the currently deranged Richard had taken to welcoming any visitor with
a drawn sword. The visiting Edmund had to flee before being stabbed to death by his own father.
Prince Harry soon
summoned the Privy Council to discuss the matters at hand. Both Edmund and Lord Percy Percy were apparently among the "Lords
of the Council". Baldrick silently attended at the side of his Prince. Harry begun his speech by announcing they jointly faced
"the gravest crisis this country has known since the Roman invasion." A statement met with the apparent approval of the council.
However at this point King Richard was reportedly calling for Harry. The Prince of Wales was suddenly nervous but agreed to
meet his father. Though only after wearing a helmet and drawing his own sword.
Harry left Edmund
in charge of the council. Edmund begun reading from Harry's notes. However in his case the phrase "the gravest crisis this
country has known since the Roman invasion" only managed to produce wide protest from his audience. An audience who reminded
him of the invasions of the Vikings, Normans and the Swiss. Edmund conceded that their current situation was only "the greatest
crisis for some time".
One of the Lords
shouted that they all knew why, reporting rumors that the King was under spiritual possession. The surprised Edmund was unable
to continue his speech. The Lords reported that "The land is full of omens of bewitchment".
These reported strange
omens included:
* A tale that during the previous week in Cornwall,
a man with four heads had been seen taking tea on the beach. (Historically Europeans would not encounter tea until a 1560
visit of Japan by Portuguese sailors. The custom of drinking
tea was only introduced to England by Catherine of Braganza,
Queen consort of Charles II of England since May, 1662).
* The claim of two women in Windsor of having been
raped by a fish.
* A tale of raining phlegm in Harrisgate.
* The report of the graves in Edinburgh having
opened. The ghosts of their ancestors were reported to have risen up and competed in athletic sports.
* Lord Percy reporting that a friend of his had an awful pimple on the inside of his nose.
* The tale of a farmer in Rye having heard a cow
reciting Geoffrey Chaucer.
* The tale of young woman in Shropshire having seen Geoffrey Chaucer
in a field, mooing and suckling a young heifer. (Historically Chaucer is believed to have died on October 25, 1400).
The Lords saw these
as conclusive evidence of witchcraft. Edmund protested that surely they weren't the sort of people to believe in this sort
of thing. "I mean, next you will be telling me is that washing your hair in bat's droppings stops you going bald." Only for
a Lord to claim this was true, stating that his inability to find enough bats resulted in his own baldness. The lords proceeded
in deciding that the way to remove this curse from the kingdom was to send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant. The protestations
of Edmund failed to have an effect. The Lords left the council room to inform Prince Harry.
An angry Edmund
confronted Lord Percy over this decision. Remarking that "Honestly, Percy, I bet you are just the sort of person who thinks
that sticking your finger up a sheep's bottom on Good Friday will make you fertile!" Baldrick commented that this was only
true for Easter Monday. A disgusted Prince requested to be reminded not to shake hands with Baldrick during religious festivals.
Perhaps more to
the point, Edmund wanted to know who the Witchsmeller Pursuivant was. Baldrick did not know, but suggested the Mistress Scott.
Edmund remembered her as an old crone with a cat, living in a nearby village. Visiting the village incognito however, the
Prince and his two companions only came across the charred remains of Mistress Scott and her cat. Edmund was shocked to learn
the villagers had burned the old woman as a witch, under the instructions of the Witchsmeller. Meanwhile a similarly shocked
Percy was collecting cat bones. The villagers also informed Edmund that the Witchsmeller was a master of disguise who mostly
appeared only at night. Angry but also certain that the Witchsmeller was not actually there, Edmund proceeded to advice the
villagers to kick the big-nosed bully straight out of town and back to the madhouse he came from. Edmund left with no other
comment. But his remarks had been enough to gain the attention of "a dark hooded figure with glowing red eyes," the Witchsmeller
himself (played by Frank Finlay).
The Witchsmeller
apparently arrived at court before Prince Edmund did. Pursuivant attempted to explain his role to Prince Harry. He had the
word Good written on one of his hands and the word evil on the other hand. He then claimed to have two functions. First to
protect the good. At this point the "good" hand opened to reveal a white egg]. His second stated function was to crush the
evil. He opened the "evil" hand to reveal a brown egg. Asking Harry to watch, Pursuivant then crushed both eggs. Harry claimed
to have found the demonstration fascinating but pointed that both eggs had been crushed. Pursuivant explained that "Some that
seem good sometimes proveth to be evil," lifting the crushed white egg up to Harry's nose to demonstrate that the egg was
rotten.
Baldrick apparently
chose this moment to enter the room to announce the arrival of his Lord. Edmund and Pursuivant evidently recognised each other
as a result of their brief meeting at the village. But did not comment on it. Edmund did however comment on his new acquaintance's
recent work at Taunton. "Imagine that! Every single person in the village having
an affair with the same duck." Pursuivant just observed that "The Duck of Taunton" was a tragic circumstance.
Edmund asked Pursuivant
if he had yet to find the head witch. The Witchsmeller claimed to feel being very close. Edmund reacted with his usual sarcasm.
Harry however also had a question for Pursuivant. If Pursuivant did happen to come across someone "a bit witchy", how would
he prove "him" guilty. Pursuivant answered that guilt would be proven "by trial or by ordeal". Edmund thought Pursuivant meant
the ordeal of water.
But Pursuivant actually
meant an ordeal by axe. He further explained the procedure. "The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block and an axe
aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck, so we burn him. If he is not guilty, the axe will
simply slice his head off." Attracting another sarcastic comment from Edmund: "What a very fair test that is".
At this point Pursuivant
suggested a less violent test for Edmund himself. The procedure for it sounded simpler. "I place before the suspect a dagger
and crucifix. The suspect is blindfolded, and if he picks up the dagger from the table, he is Satan's bedfellow." Finding
the described test interesting, Harry advised his younger brother to go through with it in order to take himself out of the
running. Edmund was still hesitant but finally agreed, having noted the locations of both artifacts on the table. Pursuivant
however provided a distraction for the other persons witnessing and then switched the positions of the artifacts. Edmund picked
up the dagger and was instantly declared a witch. Pursuivant also declared him to be a brother of Lucifer. Shouting for the
burning of the discovered witch.
Harry only answered
"If that is what you recommend". Edmund protested: "But, Henry, you can not let him do this!"Edmund's protests went unheard.
Harry only allowed his brother to have a full trial during the following day.
The trial begun
as planned. But the audience was already obviously biased against the accused Prince. Edmund was allowed to have a defense.
Lord Percy had apparently volunteered to present a defense for him. However, Percy was obviously intimidated by the calling
for the defense. "Who will defend the accused and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake as a partner in Satan
if the accused is found guilty?" Baldrick, however, informed the court that Lord Percy would defend the Prince.
However, then entered
the designated prosecutor, Pursuivant, who immediately declared Percy to be a suspected witch, thus turning the audience against
Percy. Harry stated that this concluded the case for the defense.
Then started the
questioning of the accused. Edmund was asked whether he was a Christian. Understandably, at this point he declared himself
to be one. Asked whether he could say the Lord's Prayer, Edmund overeagerly answered that he could say it backwards, which
was a statement declared a confession by Pursuivant.
Edmund was then
asked to admit possessing a pussycat named Bubbles. Pursuivant then declared that the name was short for Beelzebubbles. Pursuivant
then accused Edmund of having been seen speaking to his cat on the Feast of Saint Jacob the Turgid. Edmund denied ever doing
so. However,Pursuivant revealed that Mary the chambermaid had heard him saying "Hello, little Bubbles, would you like some
milk?". Edmund admitted he might have said that. Pursuivant pressed him on the meaning of "milk" in the phrase. Edmund was
annoyed and answered that he meant "milk. Bloody milk". Pursuivant interpreted this to mean a mixture of milk and blood. Edmund
protested that it was only milk. Pursuivant interpreted that blood would come later. Edmund then stated that there wasn't
any blood, only for Pursuivant to declare this to be Edmund's reason for using milk instead of blood to feed his cat.
Pursuivant next
questioned Edmund on the subject of his horse, Black Satin. Edmund had been quoted to have said to it: "Satin, would you like
some carrots?" Edmund admitted that he might have said that. Since Satin liked carrots. Pursuivant then claimed that carrots
were the Devil's favourite food. Percy questioned this statement: "If the Devil likes carrots, why isn't it mentioned in the
Bible, then? Why doesn't it say, "And He took the Lord up to the top of an high mountain and offered Him a carrot"?" Edmund
also questioned the statement "Why isn't 'Thou shalt not eat carrots' in the Ten Commandments?" Opening his own Bible however,
Pursuivant countered that in fact it was. In the Ten Commandments of Jerimoth, in the Appendix to the Apocrypha, the Tenth
Commandment was extended: "And the Lord said unto the children of Bedinibott :`Neither shalt thou eat the fruit of the tree
that is known as the Carrot Tree'."Baldrick countered that carrots did not grow on trees. Pursuivant then questioned his source
of knowledge on carrots and declared Baldrick a witch, to the laughter of the audience.
Pursuivant then
called the first witness for the prosecution, Black Satin. Pursuivant questioned the horse on having indulged in frenzied,
naked and obscene Satanic orgies with his master, supposedly known to it as the Great Grumbledook. The horse's refusal to
answer led to the assumption that the horse had something to hide. Edmund suggested instead that his horse was not able to
speak. But Pursuivant stated this was only a likely story. He questioned the horse of his identity as Black Satin the Loquacious,
known in the Hierarchy of Evil as a servant of Satan. Black Satin reacted with a neigh, interpreted by Pursuivant to be a
denial of the accusation (a "nay"). But Pursuivant added that this denial was not to be believed. He then called for a recess.
Edmund shared a
cell with fellow accused witches Percy and Baldrick for the rest of that day. At some point they were visited by the Queen
consort, who supposed this was what came of being a witch. Edmund complained and claim to have not ever been one. But his
mother countered that her youngest son was always a bit of a fibber. Edmund nevertheless begged the Queen to use whatever
power she possessed to help him. The Queen claimed however that she had not held any power for years. Gertrude did however
promise to see what she could sort out.
The prisoners were
left to themselves. Lord Percy then revealed to his friend of having send for the greatest lawyers in the land on his behalf.
All refused their assistance however. A typical response came from Robert Wyatt of Somerset:
"What you ask is against reason and God. I spit on you and your master, and look forward to passing water over both your graves
at a later date." A more personal response came from John "Stinker" Watts who happened to be a school
acquaintance of Edmund and Percy: "Dear Percy, I remember being at school with Prince Edmund and yourself, and so was very
interested by your letter. May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts."
Baldrick however
had a cunning plan. Edmund considered it brilliant and commented "You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings!"
Edmund proclaimed that he would not be so meek the following day. He then gave a sinister laugh.
The second day of
the trial begun with exhibitions of hostility between the audience and the accused. Pursuivant then informed Edmund that the
blessed "Satin the Confessor" was unable to be with them due to his untimely death. However Satin reportedly had time to make
a signed confession: "I, Black Satin, confess that my former master, Edmund, is the servant of Satan and I spoke to him on
the matter frequently over a gallon of stableboy's blood."
Then Pursuivant
called the second and last witness of the prosecution. Jane Firkettle (played by Barbara Miller), an old woman. She claimed
to have recognise Edmund among the crowd. Edmund had apparently never met her before. He presumed Mrs. Firkettle had seen
his face on a coin. Pursuivant questioned her on having committed sins of the flesh with Edmund. Her positive reply caused
the surprise of her alleged lover. Firkettle claimed feeling deeply ashamed of this relation. Edmund added his own shame "I
mean, look at her!" Pursuivant asked her to describe these foul deeds. Jane claimed that after their first kiss, Edmund had
turned into a wild animal. Three months later she was reportedly pregnant. She bore him a son, little Johnny. This John Grumbledook
was revealed to the court. But Edmund claimed to see no resemblance between himself and the white poodle (Edmund's alleged
son.)
Pursuivant remarked
on the three proofs of witchcraft this court had found:
* A cat which drinks blood.
* A talking horse.
* A man who propagates poodles.
Harry consequently
announced that three accused persons were found guilty. Their sentence was to be execution by burning on Friday August 14, 1495.
While awaiting execution,
Edmund and his two companions had their heads shaved. Each prisoner was attached to a ball and chain. Their attempts to bribe
the guards in order for them to allow their escape failed - the guards had apparently been approached by many prisoners in
this way and were unbribeable.
Prior to his execution
Edmund was visited by his mother and wife. At eleven Leia was apparently too young to feel concern over the event of being
about to become a widow. She thought her bald husband looked funny. Leia informed the "boys" that there was no news of a reprieve
since everyone was looking forward to this execution. She complained over having to be at her room during it. But she reportedly
thought that her window might provide for an even better view of the event. Leia also offered Edmund a gift from his own mother,
a doll. Edmund was disappointed but did exchange farewells with his "dear".
The hour of the
execution eventually arrived. Edmund, Percy and Baldrick were carried on wooden racks to their place of execution in the presence
of an obviously excited crowd.
Prince Harry suggested
to Pursuivant that this must have serve as one of the most difficult parts of his job. The Witchsmeller affirmed it but actually
appeared disinterested.
Baldrick had a last
minute cunning plan to suggest. But Prince Edmund told his servant to "fuck off". He had his own plan to stall the execution.
He thus offered a confession.
A confession of:
* Having on occasion done things wrong.
* Having erred and strayed like a lost ox or sheep.
* Having coveted the adultery of his father.
* Having not honoured the ass of his neighbour.
* Having been a witch.
His confession over,
Edmund had no further way to postpone his own demise. Edmund reported feeling uncomfortable and let his doll slip through
his hands and into the fire, where it was revealed to have a striking resemblance to the Witchsmeller. Pursuivant started
complaining of heat. Within minutes the Witchsmeller had burned to death along with the doll resembling him, while the flames
never touched the three prisoners and their bonds were broken. Both Edmund and Percy thought it was the result of Baldrick's
plan and thanked him for saving them. Baldrick, however, evidently had no idea of the reason for these events.
Meanwhile at the
castle a cured King Richard was greeting his wife Gertrude and daughter-in-law Leia. The King enquired on the activities outside
his castle. Leia explained that "Uncle Harry" was going to burn Edmund alive. Gertrude, however, assured her husband that
everything had been sorted out by that time. Leia was surprised to see sparkles flying out of the eyes of the Queen.
(Gertrude was apparently
revealed to have been an actual witch. The death of Pursuivant and the rescue of the prisoners were apparently the results
of her magic. The execution was apparently cancelled as all three prisoners were known to have resumed their court lives.)
According to the
introduction many were the tales told of the Black Adder and his faithful henchmen Lord Percy and Baldrick, son of Robin the
Dung-Gatherer. However the last and most exciting part would unfold in 1498.
On Saint Juniper's
Day, in early January 1498, King Richard IV followed tradition in lavishing new honours upon his kinfolk. He started by giving
a short speech: " Saint Juniper once said, "By his loins shall ye know him and by the length of his rod shall he be measured."The
length of my rod is a mystery to all but the Queen, and a thousand Turkish whores, but the fruits of my loins are here for
all to see. I have two sons, Henry and ... another one."
Henry, nicknamed
Harry and Prince of Wales, was called forth and named Captain of the Guard, Grand Warden of the Northern and Eastern Marches,
Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquis of the Midlands, Lord Hoe-Maker
extraordinary and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat.
The other one, Edmund,
was also called forth. He was thanked of his work as the Duke of Edinburgh. But was relieved of this "heavy task" and replaced
by Richard's loyal cousin Thomas, Lord Hastings, apparently as some kind of birthday present (The King, as he handed the scroll
of office to Hastings, casually remarked "many happy returns, Tom." Historically
the Lord Hastings at the time was John Hastings, the 11th Baron.) The King then left the court to ride against the rebellious
city of Stoke-on-Trent. His sworn intent was to approach the city walls, bare
his buttocks and shout "Behold. I honour thee most highly".
Prince Edmund was
thus left with the single title of Lord Warden of the Royal Privies. He was reasonably angered by the removal of his duchy.
Percy and Baldrick attempted to console their Lord by pointing that it could be worse - he could have lost the privies. A
suddenly determined Edmund however declared his new mission: " I must clear away the chaff from my life and let shine forth
the true wheat of greatness". He started by dismissing Percy from his service. A shocked Percy asked for a reason. The Black
Adder gave him several: "Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings
off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would, your brain would make a grain of sand look
large and ungainly and the part of you that cannot be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, would not
be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry codpiece you might just get by as a fool,
but, since you would not know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That is why you are dismissed." Baldrick
was also unceremoniously thrown out. Thus, according to the narration, Edmund spurned his friends and began his quest for
glory.
The disgruntled
Prince reportedly expected Baldrick to return to shovelling dung in the gutter as before entering his service. Baldrick though
pointed that it had taken him years to get that job. He expected to work his way up again. But he would have to start by milking
pigs and mucking out lepers. Edmund was unmoved and rode away on his black horse. Baldrick was replaced as a horse attendant
by an aging, retired Morris Dancer.
Edmund set forth
into England in search of the six other "Most Evil Men in
the Kingdom". He intended to recruit them in an effort to take over the Kingdom. By order of recruitment, the men included
were:
* Sir Wilfred Death (played by John Hallam). A skilled dueler.
* Three-Fingered Pete (played by Roger Sloman). An archer.
* Guy de Glastonbury (played by Patrick Malahide). An crossbowman and early highwayman.
* Sean, the Irish Bastard (played by Ron Cook). A daggerman who preyed on beggars.
* Friar Bellows (played by Paul Brooke). Took advantage of misplaced trust given to him, and
had an apparent preference for virgin girls.
* Jack Large (played by Big Mick). A dwarf with an apparent hatred for giants. Described as
unspeakably violent Jack, a bull buggering beast killer of no fixed abode.
Candidates for recruitment
suggested but rejected were:
* "Mad Bully-boy" Jack, the grave robbing assassin of Aldwych.
* "Crazed animal" Jack, the cattle rustling cannibal
from Sutton Coldfield.
* "Sane" Jack O'Hooligan, the man-hating goat-murderer of Dingle
Bay.
* " Canon" Jack Smollett, senior archdeacon of the diocese of Saint Bothar, the entrail-eating
heretic of Bath and Wells.
The seven men were
soon discussing their plans in an inn while emptying goblets of beer. Friar Bellows suggested the motto of their enterprise:
"Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered". The conspirators called for chaos, slaughter and flowers mercilessly
crushed under foot.
Edmund had a more
coherent plan. Described by him as cunning in its simplicity. He would ride home and then send for them all through a black-haired
messenger. They would gather in the tavern of the recently deceased old Jasper (slain by Friar Bellows).
After his comrades
dispersed, Edmund's plan hit a severe setback. His supposed new friend the Morris Dancer cast off his disguise of an elderly
man to reveal himself as Edmund's old enemy, Philip of Burgundy, nicknamed The Hawk.
Philip had just
arrived in England after 15 years of exile in France,
an exile for which Edmund was apparently responsible. (Historically Philip was only 19 in January 1498. A Fleming by birth
and upbringing, he was never exiled to France.) In revenge,
Philip now incarcerated Edmund in a prison cell, to be fed on snails.
There was another
inmate in the cell, a mad man named Gerald (played by Rik Mayall), who had been incarcerated for 20 years and whose best friend
was a rat. After nearly twelve months of rambling insanely to a bored Edmund, in late December Gerald showed the Prince a
key he had made from his own teeth. Edmund seized the key, successfully opened the cell door and escaped. Gerald opted not
to follow him, instead complaining that Edmund had not closed the door behind him.
The first person
Edmund met after escaping from prison was a man seeking to sell six black homing pigeons. While the seller's initial asking
price was six shillings, he generously invited Edmund to beat him up, tie him to a tree and steal the pigeons, an offer the
Prince gratefully accepted. Edmund promptly sent the pigeons to fly to his fellow conspirators.
Philip of Burgundy,
however, beat the Black Seal to the royal castle. When the Black Seal arrived, Philip promptly persuaded them to abandon Edmund
and adopt him as their leader. Edmund's protestations that Philip was twisted by unbridled ambition, haunted by insatiable
greed, the most evil man in the world and a mindless killer, and that he murdered his own parents, only increased Philip's
standing in the eyes of the Black Seal members. (Sir Wilfred and Pete had also killed their parents, and Friar Bellows had
killed those of Sean the Irish Bastard - a fact previously unknown to Sean, who was delighted to learn of it. Historically,
Philip's father Emperor Maximilian I outlived his son and did not die until 1519. His mother Mary of Burgundy had died in
1482 after falling off her horse - there is no evidence that her then three-year-old son was responsible.)
Philip had presumably
fully expected to capture Edmund at the castle, as he had already installed a torture chair there, into which he now forced
Edmund. He activated the chair, then he and the Black Seal members planned to go in pursuit of the rest of the Royal Family.
However, when two apparent serving wenches appeared bearing several goblets of wine, they paused to drink the wine.
However, the supposed
maids were in fact Percy and Baldrick in disguise. They had poisoned the wine to foil the Black Seal's plot. Just after drinking
the wine, Philip and the Black Seal members promptly dropped dead on the spot. (Historically Philip did not die until 1506.)
The torture chair,
however, had already been activated, leaving Edmund to have his anus spiked, his ears cut off with shears, his hands cut off
with axes, his genitalia assaulted by a device called a 'cobbling-grinder' and his armpits tickled by feathers.
As Edmund lay on
his deathbed, his father, apparently having changed his opinion, declared a toast 'To my son Edmund'. Edmund, surprised that
his father has, for the first time, got his name right, mutters 'Father, you called me Edmund'. Richard answers 'Oh, sorry,
To Edgar!' Asked by Edmund to call him by his nom de guerre, Richard called a further toast, to The Black Dagger.
Baldrick, who had
come up with the idea of poisoning the wine, had instructed Percy to poison only the goblets of the Black Seal conspirators
excluding Edmund, but Percy had poisoned all the goblets.
Edmund watched as
his family and the courtiers all drank the poisoned wine and died. Edmund, realising he was now King, tested the wine to see
what was wrong with it, declared that it was all right and then began to proclaim himself to be King of England. Mid-sentence,
he died.
Described by his
father as 'an embarrassing little weed', this Black Adder is somewhat different from later incarnations, being largely unintelligent,
and relying more on the plans of Baldrick. The character does evolve through the series, however, and he begins showing signs
of what his descendants will be like by the final episode, where he begins insulting everyone around him. He was largely ignored
by his father, who, on the few occasions he did recognise his son, called him by the wrong name, be it Edgar, Enid or simply
'The other one'.
The book Blackadder
: The Whole Damn Dynasty chronicled that following the death of the entire Royal Family, Henry Tudor usurped the throne and
re-wrote history to eliminate the reign of Richard IV and, therefore, Edmund.
Henry, a Lancastrian
claimant, was married to Elizabeth of York, an older paternal aunt of Edmund, who was the closest known relative to the deceased
Richard and Edmund. Henry and Elizabeth were the founders of the Tudor dynasty.
Whether Edmund had
descendants through his wife Leia of Hungary is uncertain. As Leia was only 14 when Edmund died, any child born to them would
have been no more than an infant, and Henry would probably have had such a child killed or imprisoned as he or she would have
been a dangerous rival for the throne. Edmund did have illegitimate descendants who adopted the surname "Blackadder". His
grandson reportedly blew the family fortune 'on wine, women and amateur dramatics. At the end he was eking out a living doing
humourous impressions of Anne of Cleves'. His great-grandson Edmund, Lord Blackadder served as a courtier of Elizabeth I of
England, last member of the Tudor dynasty. Elizabeth
was affectionely known as Queenie to Lord Blackadder.
Other characters
also seem to have left their descendants, not to mention Percy and Baldrick. For example, Friar Bellows' comment in the last
episode concerning "Canon Jack Smollet...the entrail-eating heretic of Bath and Wells", could be seen as a precursor to the
Baby-Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells, who appears in the second series demanding a loan repayment from Lord Blackadder. Also,
the character of MacAdder in the third series has far more in common with Dougal McAngus, Duke of Argyll than he does with
Mr Blackadder, servant to the Prince Regent (seeing as McAngus and Blackadder are illegitmate half-brothers, the idea that
Blackadder would have some Scottish in his bloodline would make sense).
Baldrick
The mediaeval Baldrick
was probably the only Baldrick of the four who could really be described as clever. Baldrick, an ex-dung shoveller (a respected
position, which he had worked very hard to get - earlier jobs include milking pigs and mucking out lepers), first met Prince
Edmund at the feast before the Battle of Bosworth Field. The two, along with Lord Percy, toasted their new friendship, unaware
that from that point onwards, their descendants' lives would be eternally entwined.
Although cleverer
than the Prince, Baldrick holds him in some sort of awe. He often leads cheers in the Prince's honour (along with Lord Percy,
who tries hard to join in), fills his head with illusions of grandeur, and often ends up doing his dirty work. This included
carrying the decapitated body of Richard III and sleeping with the Spanish Infanta, Edmund's fiancée, so that Edmund didn't
have to. The latter task resulted in several injuries, including a seriously blackened eye. When Baldrick is abandoned by
Edmund in the final episode, a tear falls from his eye.
It was this Baldrick
who suggested the title 'The Black Adder' for Prince Edmund (Edmund wanted to be called 'The Black Vegetable'), which his
descendants later adopted as a surname.
Lord Percy Percy
Lord Percy of Blackadder
II being the descendant of that seen in The Black Adder. Unlike the first two Blackadders and Baldricks, the two Lord Percys
are almost identical. In the first series, Percy is Duke of Northumberland, while in the second he is heir to the title.
Incredibly loyal
yet incredibly stupid, Lord Percy is described by Lord Blackadder as 'a dimwit I can't seem to shake off'.
Lord Percy is a
caricature of an English, "upper-class twit", obsessed by the frivolities of his age. These include neck ruffs of varying
sizes (the largest making him look like 'a bird who's swallowed a plate', according to Blackadder), dressing like half an
allotment in Nottingham Forest to celebrate the return of Sir 'Rather A Wally' Raleigh, collecting religious artefacts (which
are largely fraudulent) and archery — in one episode he declares 'I would like to see the Spaniard who could make his
way past me!'. Blackadder suggests he should go to Spain,
where there are millions of them.
Lord Percy is also
the inventor of 'Green'. He discovered this particular entity whilst working on alchemy. The only real fundamental difference
between green and gold is that green is green rather than gold, it comes in 'splats' rather than nuggets and it has no value
whatsoever.
Lord Percy somewhat
dislikes Baldrick. This is perhaps as a result of the fact that, despite his higher social status, he still receives the same
amount of affection (or lack thereof) from Blackadder. This was particularly true in the first series, when Percy was intent
on looking down his nose at Baldrick, however, this is rarely of any avail as Baldrick is much more intelligent than him.
By the second series this appears to have largely subsided (perhaps because Baldrick is now closer to his intelligence level)
and the two appear to be quite friendly (Lord Percy at one point kisses Baldrick, believing him to be a bridesmaid). However,
there are still signs of the Lord Percy's distaste towards Baldrick, as he is reluctant to count him in on the money he plans
to make by fashioning 'Green' as jewellery.
Lord Percy only
appeared in the first two series of Blackadder, as McInnerny was worried about being typecast. However, McInnerny did have
a small role in series three and returned as a different character — Kevin Darling — in series four. Presumably
for this reason, while both Blackadder's Christmas Carol and Blackadder: Back & Forth return to the setting of Blackadder
II, neither features Percy.
In a scene that
was filmed for the final episode of the first series but not used, Percy identifies himself as 'Lord Percy Percy, seventh
son of the seventh Duke of Northumberland'. This and most of the other location scenes for the series were filmed in Hulne
Park, Alnwick, Northumberland, at that time in fact the property of Hugh Percy,
10th Duke of Northumberland. The castle that appears in the title sequence and in location shots throughout the series is
Alnwick Castle, home of the Percy family
since 1766.
King Richard
IV
The character is
loosely based on Richard of Shrewsbury, 1st Duke of York (1473-1483?), son of Edward IV, brother to Edward V, who was, it
is believed by some, murdered to the political benefit of his uncle, Richard III in 1483.
Richard and his
wife Queen consort Gertrude of Flanders have two sons. The eldest is Harry, Prince of Wales, Captain of the Guard, Grand Warden
of the Northern and Eastern Marches, Chief Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquis
of the Midlands, Lord Hoe-Maker in Ordinary, Harbinger of the Doomed Rat (1460–1498), of whom the king is extremely
proud. The younger, or 'slimey' son is Prince Edmund (1461-1498), Duke of Edinburgh, laird of Roxborugh, Salkirk and Peebles,
and keeper of the Royal Privy, of whom the king is oblivious. On the few occasions he does recognise his son, he calls him
by the wrong name, be it Edgar, Enid, Edward or simply 'The other one'.
According to the
series, Richard came to the throne in 1485 after his uncle, Richard III was accidentally killed by Edmund. He was actually
similar to Henry VIII with his large red beard, desire to disestablish the church and his massive appetite (at one point he
is seen to eat the back end of a horse). He revels in crusades and once defeated an entire Turkish horde armed only with a
small knife used for peeling fruit. Clearly, he despises the Turkish people and once quoted the Bible as saying "Love thy
neighbour as thyself. Unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!". He once caught the bubonic plague, and went
temporarily insane, attacking everyone he saw, believing them to be Turks. He had to be locked in his room for some time.
He was known to shout "Chiswick! Fresh horses!" to his courtier Lord Chiswick.
According to the
series, Richard, along with the rest of his court, were accidentally poisoned in late December 1498. At this point, Henry
Tudor usurped the throne and re-wrote history so that he would be declared the victor of the Battle of Bosworth Field, and
the reign of King Richard IV of England would be eradicated
from history.
Blessed's perfomance
as the loud, violent, crude, slightly insane king stood out as probably the most amusing and imaginative role in the first
Blackadder series. The character did not feature in any of the following series.
Prince Henry
Plantagenet of York
His Royal titles
included the Prince of Wales, Prince Regent, Captain of the Guard, Grand Warden of the Northern and Eastern Marches, Chief
Lunatic of the Duchy of Gloucester, Viceroy of Wales, Sheriff of Nottingham, Marquess of the Midlands, Lord Hoe-Maker in Ordinary,
and Harbinger of the Doomed Rat.
He was born in 1460.
He was the first son of King Richard IV of England and Queen
consort Gertrude of Flanders and great-nephew of Richard III. He had a younger brother, Prince Edmund 'The Black Adder'.
A feast was held
on the Eve of the Battle of Bosworth Field. There King Richard III of England
(played by Peter Cook) gathered his supporters for the battle against Henry Tudor. Among those present was the Duke of York
accompanied by his sons Harry, Earl of March and Lord Edmund Plantagenet.
Edmund arrived late
for the battle and accidentally murdered his great-uncle Richard. That night the victorious army swore to the name of their
new King Richard IV of England (played by Brian Blessed),
the nephew of their deceased leader. Harry and Edmund were promoted to Royal Princes. The accidental murder turned Harry to
the First-in-line heir to the English throne.
In 1486, the second
year of his reign and reportedly "the year in which the egg replaced the worm as the lowest form of currency", King Richard
IV departed his Kingdom to join a new Crusade against the Turks (presumably the Ottoman Empire under Beyazid II who reigned
1481 - 1512). Prince Harry was appointed Regent for the duration of his absence.
In 1492. That year,
according to the narration, "the death of Randolph XII of Saxony and the collapse of the Treaty of Insects" threw Europe
into disarray. "Kingdoms rose and fell; borders, even languages changed; men were killed by their own side and women raped
by soldiers from up to seven different nations every week.
England
under Richard IV was apparently also involved in the general conflict. King Richard was apparently noted for the cynicism
in his military strategy. Informed that the Swiss had invaded France,
the King ordered Lord Wessex to take advantage of their absence
and pillage Geneva. Reminded of his alliance to the Swiss, Richard merely issued
orders for his invading force of 10,000 men to be dressed as Germans. He also took time to sent flowers to the King of France
"in sympathy for the death of his son," despite being personally responsible for said death. (The historical King of France
at the time was Charles VIII, whose firstborn son, Prince Charles-Orland of France,
was actually born in 1492.)
Richard IV did not
neglect diplomacy either. He explained to Prince Harry that the secret to the later lies in fornication and then marriage.
He explained his plan to form an alliance with Spain against
France, by marrying Harry to the Spanish Infanta. At this
point some comments should be offered on the complex historical Spanish-English relations of the late 15th and 16th century.
In 1492, "Spain" still consisted of the Kingdoms of Castile
and Aragon, under the rule of consorts and co-rulers Isabella of Castile and Ferdinand II of Aragon.
Henry VII Tudor sought an alliance with them, resulting in the marriage of his elder son Arthur, Prince of Wales to their
youngest daughter Catherine of Aragon in November, 1501. When Arthur died early, Catherine was married to his younger brother
Henry VIII (the historical Arthur and Henry being first cousins to the fictional Harry and Edmund). Henry VII himself offered
a marriage proposal to her sister Joanna of Castile late in his life. On June 23,
1516, Spain was united under Charles I, son of
Joanna and nephew of Catherine and Henry VIII. On July 25, 1554 Queen
Mary I of England, daughter of Henry VIII and Catherine, was
married to then Crown Prince Philip II of Spain, son of Charles
I. The union intended to unite the thrones of Spain and England
under their descedants. With the death of Mary on November 17, 1558 and
the marriage proposal of by then King Philip to her younger half-sister Elizabeth I of England
turned down, this union was prevented. The plan of fictional Richard IV was perhaps intended as a reference to those well-known
historical events.
Said plan however
could not work. Harry had already been concurrently engaged to several other noble women:
* Princess Leia of Hungary
* Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg
* Queen Beowulfa of Iceland
* Countess Caroline of Luxembourg
* Bertha of Flanders
* Bertha of Brussels
* Bernard of Saxe-Coburg, correction Bertha of Saxe-Coburg
(there was some confusion of whether this was a fiancé or a fiancée for Harry).
* Jeremy of Estonia (a definite
fiancé to the confused Harry).
Even Richard hesitated
to add a ninth concurrent engagement to Harry. "But if I haven't got a son to marry her, then the whole plan falls apart!"
However his advisor Chiswick reminded his King of the existence of another son. Edmund, who his father only remembered as
"the slimy one". The decision had already been taken, Edmund would marry the Spanish Infanta.
"By the autumn of
the Year of Our Lord 1495, the Black Plague once again howled westwards across Europe from the Indies,
carried by seamen and entering England by the South West Passage.
Each day, thousands died. Village after village disappeared in its evil wake and not even the best and noblest escaped its
horror."
Prince Harry soon
informed Edmund that their father was "feeling a bit under the weather". Edmund was somewhat excited, since the death of Richard
IV would make Harry King and Edmund himself heir presumptive to the throne. Enquiring on what was the disease, Edmund was
informed that it remained uncertain. Harry himself thought it was the Black Plague. Harry also suggested that the King would
appreciate a "a little visit" from Edmund. However the currently deranged Richard had taken to welcoming any visitor with
a drawn sword. The visiting Edmund had to flee before being stabbed to death by his own father.
Prince Harry soon
summoned the Privy Council to discuss the matters at hand. Both Edmund and Lord Percy Percy were apparently among the "Lords
of the Council". Baldrick silently attended at the side of his Prince. Harry begun his speech by announcing they jointly faced
"the gravest crisis this country has known since the Roman invasion." A statement met with the apparent approoval of the council.
However at this point King Richard was reportedly calling for Harry. The Prince of Wales was suddenly nervous but agreed to
meet his father. Though only after wearing a helmet and drawing his own sword.
Harry left Edmund
in charge of the council. Edmund begun reading from Harry's notes. However in his case the phrase "the gravest crisis this
country has known since the Roman invasion" only managed to produce wide protest from his audience. An audience who reminded
him of the invasions of the Vikings, Normans and the Swiss. Edmund conceeded that their current situation was only "the greatest
crisis for some time".
One of the Lords
shouted that they all knew why. Reporting rumors that the King is under spiritual possession. The surprised Edmund was unable
to continue his speech. The Lords reported that "The land is full of omens of bewitchment".
These reported strange
omens included:
A tale that during
the previous week in Cornwall, a man with four heads had been seen taking tea
on the beach. (Historically Europeans would not encounter tea until a 1560 visit of Japan
by Portoguese sailors. The custom of drinking tea was only introduced to England
by Catherine of Braganza, Queen consort of Charles II of England
since May, 1662). The claim of two women in Windsor of having been raped by a
fish. A tale of raining phlegm in Harrisgate. The report of the graves in Edinburgh
having opened. The ghosts of their ancestors were reported to have risen up and competed in athletic sports. Lord Percy reporting
that a friend of his had an awful pimple on the inside of his nose. The tale of a farmer in Rye
having heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer. The tale of young woman in Shropshire having seen Geoffrey
Chaucer in a field, mooing and suckling a young heifer. (Historically Chaucer is believed to have died on October 25, 1400). The Lords saw these as conclusive evidence of witchcraft. Edmund protested
that surely they weren't the sort of people to believe in this sort of thing. "I mean, next you will be telling me is that
washing your hair in bat's droppings stops you going bald." Only for a Lord to claim this was true, stating that his inability
to find enough bats resulted in his own baldness. The lords proceeded in deciding that the way to remove this curse from the
kingdom was to send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant. The protestations of Edmund failed to have an effect. The Lords left
the council room to inform Prince Harry.
As he lay on his
deathbed, Edmund watched as his family drank wine, accidentally poisoned by Lord Percy, and died. Edmund, realising he was
now King, tested the wine to see what was wrong with it and then declared himself to be King of England. Then he died of poisoning.
The series chronicled
that following the death of the entire Royal Family, Henry Tudor usurped the throne and re-wrote history to eliminate the
reign of Richard IV and, therefore, Edmund.