Eve sat back in the wicker chair in her room as Alice deftly applied nail polish to her bare toenails. “What do you think of the new Doctor, Alice?” Eve asked
her best friend.
“He’s very different.” Alice replied. “When I change my appearance that’s all I change. I don’t change
my likes and dislikes too. It’s very peculiar that, he went from hating jam on his toast to really liking it.”
got nice buns though hasn’t he?” Eve nodded suggestively.
“What do you mean?” Alice enquired. “Do you want a sandwich?”
“Oh never mind.” Eve gave up trying to help develop Alice ’s personality past that of a five
“I must say you’ve got nice toes.” Alice was jealous. “I can never get mine to look all puffy and worn out like yours.”
have nice toes Alison.” Eve scowled. “You should let me paint them.”
“It would invalidate my warranty.” Alice sighed. “It’s like a human woman’s virginity. Once your warranty has been
violated you can never get it back the same as it was.”
blushed a deep shade of scarlet. “Yes, well that’s enough of that. Remind me to explain modesty to you sometime
corridors seemed empty, emptier anyway, as the Doctor walked through them. Since his recent regeneration he was spending his
days trying to put his mind back into shape. He used to be able to think his way out of situations, to take charge of situations
and events. After a while he had just let things get out of control and somehow get out in one piece. Of course sometimes
he didn’t and he couldn’t afford those sorts of mistakes again, there was only one chance left and he’d
prefer to put it off for as long as possible this time. He walked past Eve’s room and heard her laughing along with
Eve had been with him the longest, since before
Kate had left. Alice they had adopted when the confused android latched onto them one day. They liked the dim-witted
robot girl; she was refreshing company and had become good friends with Eve. Eve had been badly scared when he had died and
Alice had comforted her while he regenerated into this new body. That was all in the past now of course, he was a new man
now and almost back to full strength. Better tell them they were almost at their destination, Eve will need to wrap up warm,
humans wouldn’t like the weather much.
TARDIS materialised, slowly at first before finally committing itself fully. After a brief pause the doors opened and a single
“It looks ok.” Alice shouted back. “I can’t see anyone about. Come on, it looks nice.” She
started to make a snowgirl in the soft winter blanket of snow.
Doctor emerged next, sporting black denim jeans and a thick red jumper. “The world is sleeping, 'til the call of spring
will awaken it anew.”
“That’s a lovely phrase.” Alice said, looking up from her industrious work. “What do you think?”
Doctor looked at the three figures. “Is that us?”
this one’s you, that’s Eve and this one’s me. Over there you can see the TARDIS, that’s a Dalek, the
Master and the Rani aren’t finished yet.”
shivered as she stepped out of the blue box. “Frigging hell talk about brass funbags.” She headed back inside.
on Eve, we’re here for a reason.” The Doctor dragged her outside, locked the doors and confiscated her key. “This
way.” He picked his way through the snow Yeti.
“Where are we going?” Alice asked.
stop something bad happening.” He didn’t want to explain more at the moment.
it involve Daleks?” Eve hazarded a guess.
Doctor looked at his companion but she seemed distracted by something to her left. He followed her gaze and saw what she was
looking at. “A snow Dalek!” He saw it’s pure white casing with white etheric beam locators, baffles and
ARE MY PRISONERS!” The Dalek ranted.
course we are.” The Doctor joked. “Well done.”
WILL FOLLOW MY DIRECTIONS OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!”
“Oooh he’s funny.” Alice looked at the squat pepper pot shaped creature. “Hello Mr. Dalek. I’ve seen
both your movies. Can I have your autograph? You know you’re a lot cuter in the casing.”
weren’t movies.” The Doctor explained. They were carefully reworked self-help documentaries.” He looked
at Eve. “I had no idea UNIT would release them as commercial ventures. I did like the man they got to play Ian though.”
WILL BE SILENT!” The Dalek commanded.
“I want to be a Dalek.” Alice whinged and pouted, before changing her shape to look like one of them. “Exfoliate!”
ARE NOT A DALEK!” The Dalek shouted.
“Yes I am.” Alice replied.
not supposed to have pink and blue spots.” Eve whispered helpfully.
“Ooops.” Alice changed the spots to white. “I am a Dalek.” She waved her sink plunger hand
at the Dalek.
THE PRISONERS BACK TO THE BASE! I WILL SCOUT AROUND IN THAT DIRECTION.” The Dalek ordered the other Dalek before leaving.
“I obey.” Alice responded. “Which way do we go Doctor?” She asked if they had gone a few hundred
way.” The Doctor pointed. “I said I we have something bad to stop. You can change back now.”
Alice did so. The Daleks
were a badly designed unit; they really needed a snowplough in her opinion. Also she much preferred hair, with lots of nice
ribbons in them. Ribbons were very nice and so she created lots of them for her hair along with some clips of butterflies.
Damocles strutted around the ancient city. It had been long abandoned by a mysterious and strange race of people once. Now
it was conveniently empty and the perfect place for a nice spot of plotting against Reginald Seuss, his archenemy from University.
Seuss had managed to get one more percentile for his final thesis and it was intolerable for Damocles that Seuss still lived.
“I will have my revenge!” His words echoed through the long since abandoned city, quickly followed by ranting,
a full description of where the electrodes were going to go and finally laughter. Mad, insane, over the top and very dramatic
laughter that almost got him an Academy Award.
think we’re here.” The Doctor looked at the Gothic castle and then his pocket watch. “Fashionably early too. Anyone want to go get a kebab?”
“Me! Me! Me!” Alice jumped up and down on the spot excitedly.
think I’ll pass.” Eve declined. “Get me a bottle of cheap plonk though, the stuff that slowly rots your
insides painfully in a prolonged manner or your money back.”
Alice considered the
three laws of Asimov. “Ok, sure. Maybe I’ll buy two if they’re on offer.” She turned herself into
a Sinclair C5 and trundled off slowly towards the horizon.
Doctor caught up with her quickly. “Get me some wine gums yeah? Jelly Babies are outlawed in this era as they’re
an endangered species.”
Richard J. Flash-Heart, of the star ship “Methadone Pretty”, brought the ship in for a smooth landing. Once the
horrifying jolting subsided he wrote a stern letter to the makers of trampoline landing pads and enclosed a picture of his
sister inviting them to marry her. She spent far too much time with that strange woman Hannah for his liking. “Number
one!” He shouted.
very good sir, could you stop that now and fasten up your fly sir?” The First Officer rolled her eyes and sighed. He
was almost as bad as Brannigan, almost. At least this one hadn’t tried it on with her yet which made her feel sad and
depressed; convinced she was loosing her looks and charm.
Commander Lovett, as I amazingly sexy or are you blind? Woof! Woof!”
shook her head sadly. “I think I left my white stick in my cabin sir.”
“Well tell the men to brutally
kill any peaceful aliens they see, then we can see just where we’ve landed.”
good sir.” She turned to leave.
Flash-Heart stared out of the view screen while Lovett wiggled her hips her damnedest before tearfully blubbing all the way
to her cabin.
we are.” Alice brought back the food and drink and a food and drink presenter.
is Anthony, isn’t he nice? I had to buy three metric tons of chocolate to get this beauty.” She slapped the bearded
chef on the bottom. “Now show me more of this earth thing called cooking.”
Doctor nibbled on a wine gum and checked his watch. “Time to get back to work. Eve, stop getting plastered and Alice
stop being a fully stocked kitchen.”
Eve handed the bottles of wine over to a convenient Archaeologist before heading through the door into the castle;
she exited and dragged Alice inside with her. “Come on Alice, I need the loo.”
“Are you sure you need to go?” Alice asked. “These walls don’t look very sturdy to me. They look more like shaky television sets to me. Don’t strain too hard or you’ll have the places
falling down on our heads!” She looked around for a few seconds and noticed the intense stares of the censors. “I’ll
shut up now.”
The Doctor wandered through rooms with tapestries so magnificent he wept tears of joy. He passed sculptures of famous
people and was moved by the exquisite work. He saw a mad scientist creating an evil creature out of spare parts and applauded
at the needlework. Finally he noticed his companions had wandered off and worried that they hadn’t been turned into
an umbrella holder. Although Alice might enjoy that he mused. “Eve, Alice.” He called their names when suddenly
a squad of soldiers dressed in red and black uniforms destroyed the door, filled the room with smoke and burned all the art
do you do?” Captain Flash-Heart asked condescendingly. “You’re my prisoner mate.”
Doctor raised his hands slowly. “Can I just warn you that there is at least one Dalek out there?”
don’t care if there’s an entire legion of Cybermen out there, mate. I’m Captain Flash-Heart and I’m
cut from a different cloth to you, mate. Standing there in your suit looking like an anorexic fashion model and with that
girly hair.” He sneered at the Doctor.
am known as the Doctor.” The Doctor extended his hand in friendship.
soldiers fainted on the spot and Flash-Heart jumped up into Lovett’s arms. “Not that Doctor? Please?”
see you’ve heard of me.” The Doctor sighed. “You know how it is when you get a bit of a reputation as a
destroyer of cultures and tyrants.”
held on tight to her Captain, cradling him in her arms. “Are you going to kill us?” She asked reasonably.
non-specified deity no.” The Doctor continued to hold his hand out in friendship.
come in peace.”
to kill!” Flash-Heart shouted maniacally.
that order.” Lovett snapped. “He’s on our side, you don’t need ANOTHER friendly fire incident on your
and Alice wandered through the castle, trying doors, rooms and dresses on until finally they found some cool non-tarty dresses.
Luckily they bumped into a handy signpost, directing them towards the Doctor. They posed for photos from the queue of DWAS
members and signed some autographs.
Eve exclaimed with relief. “Are we glad we found you.” She noticed the massed ranks of studdly soldiers. “Oh
yummy.” She smiled before seeing the Doctor’s disapproving glare.
“I think it would be for the best if you were more restrained young lady, this isn’t an adventure featuring
my next persona you know.” He looked at Alice who was teaching the soldiers to dance to YMCA and frowned at her. “Alice dear, stop trying
to get that poor man into leather trousers.”
Eve wanted to make a remark that Alice should be trying to get him out of his trousers but refrained. She didn’t want to
be written out of the series to appease the mighty wrath of the great one.
Damocles asked the mass of soldiers and time travellers. “Can I help you at all?”
there.” The Doctor smiled at the suddenly appeared man. “I am known as the Doctor, I hope you don’t try
to kill me. I can’t imagine why people don’t like me.”
is a local castle, for local people.” Damocles fobbed the strangers off. “There’s nothing for you here.”
The Doctor fished inside his trouser pocket for a piece of paper. He unfurled it slowly to reveal a newspaper cutting.
He started to read it out loud. “Missing Heroine. Miss Generous Portions, a local defender of the oppressed and scourge
of tyrants is missing presumed abducted. Police found her house empty when they tried to hire her services to defeat a squat
of Sontaran street theatre performers. Miss Portions, 29, is believed to have been taken to the Evil Genius
nebula to be gloated over and ruthlessly forced to dress in skimpy silver outfits from 1950’s Earth movies. Detectives
have no clues at all to follow up and even Batman was stumped on this one.”
you!” Damocles yelled. “Just as I was about to put my master plan into operation.” He hung his head in defeat.
“I was going to change her appearance into that of the daughter of my arch nemesis. Then I would hypnotise Miss Portions
to kill him using a marrow and a setsquare. My victory would have been sweet, so very sweet.”
non-specified deity.” The Doctor exclaimed. “Such pure evil. Captain Flash-Heart, have your soldiers put him under
arrest in your Brig. We’ll save Miss Portions.”
Flash-Heart gave the orders to his soldiers, the ones that
weren’t dressed as members of the village People. “Lovett, lets go rescue the woman and get a lot of medals for
my heroic bravery.”
wanted to cry, the last thing she wanted was even more competition. Eve and the stupid Alice were bad enough but a sex-bomb
heroine? “Yes sir.” She dragged her heels and followed on behind the posse of rescuers.
“Alice, bring the Village People with you?” The Doctor called over to his android companion.
room was dark and they all fumbled around in the dark, grasping for meaning and the light switch. Finally the construction
worker found it and the room was filled with brightness and a very old enemy.
The silver and blue aliens enthused.
Daleks!” The Doctor shouted and grimaced at the sight of his old enemies.
“Oooh more Daleks!” Alice shouted with simple minded, dimwitted joy. “Hello, boys.”
The Dalek Supreme trundled into view like a Mini Coupe. “YOU WILL ALL BE EXTERMINATED.”
The Doctor made his way over to the Dalek Supreme. “That’s what you’d like us all to believe isn’t
it? You’d like everyone to believe that you have them trapped and are about to kill them wouldn’t you?”
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY DOCTOR?” The Dalek Supreme asked hysterically.
that I would never allow myself to walk into a situation I did not have total control over. You see Dalek Supreme you’re
just too predictable.” The Doctor patted the Dalek on its cranial casing. “Never mind though, I’m sure your
forthcoming defeat will be something of an experience for you all.”
Dalek Supreme turned its gunstick at the Doctor. “DALEKS ARE IMMUNE TO YOUR SMUGNESS. YOU WILL ALL BE EXTERMINATED!”
EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!” The other Daleks shouted in their metallic tones.
great.” Eve looked at Lovett. “We’re going to be killed by a bunch of really insecure idiots.”
Lovett agreed. “I like your coat.”
Alice tried to get her
soldiers to perform a nice dance to cheer up the grumpy Daleks but the blue and silver aliens shot the soldiers and killed
them. Tears of shock rolled down her cheeks.
tore back a hitherto unseen purple velvet curtain to reveal the missing Miss Portions. However something had gone very wrong,
they were transforming her into a Dalek! “What are you doing?” He shouted. “She’s not supposed to
look like a fridge freezer on castors.”
becoming a Dalek.” The Doctor whispered quietly. “See what your blind criminal vanity has done to a poor innocent
had no idea.” Damocles fell to his knees and wept bitter tears of sorrow until he came up with a new evil plan.
glared at the Doctor. “Why do we have to wear silver underwear with blue bumps on them? It’s so undignified.”
Here she was tied to a wall awaiting execution, but couldn’t they kill her in a way that preserved her dignity?
Doctor tried to look apologetic. “They don’t suit me either Eve, I’m sure the Daleks have something in mind
for us though.” He looked at the large hypodermic needle arm of one of the Daleks. “Whatever it is it’s
not going to be nice.”
Alice screamed as the
Dalek injected some stuff into her arm and then threw a tantrum when it didn’t give her a lollypop. The Daleks had to
unshackle the Doctor so that he could cheer her up it took the promise of a 10p mix up bag of sweets to raise her spirits
enough so that she transformed herself into Budgie the Helicopter.
IS THAT?” A Dalek panicked. “IT LOOKS DANGEROUS, SELF-DESTRUCT, SELF-DESTRUCT, SELF-DESTRUCT!” It exploded
in a shower of blobby green bits.
by one the other Daleks followed suit, incidentally freeing up more of the budget as they detonated.
NOT SELF-DESTRUCT!” The Dalek Supreme ordered the few remaining Daleks. “EXTERMINATE THE PRISONERS AT ONCE.”
Doctor backed away slowly, trying to use the insane Damocles as a convenient object to hide behind. He suddenly felt exposed
and vulnerable in such tight underwear and was shocked to the core when the Dalek Supreme exterminated the insane scientist.
started to scream but stopped when a Dalek started to speak over her hysteria.
“EXTERMINATE ALL PRISONERS!”
It fired but missed every single human and humanoid and helicopter shaped android in the room. Instead it hit a fellow Dalek,
destroying the unsuspecting creature in a costly effect. The other Daleks turned and fired on their shortsighted colleague,
destroying it utterly.
took advantage of the situation and Captain Flash-Heart, holding him tightly to her and promising to love him forever. If
only she could find a way of freeing her hands she wished however her romantic hopes were dashed when a Dalek exterminated
her one true love.
looked around and started to scream once more, the Daleks were running amok, killing everyone!
Doctor freed Eve’s bonds and ushered her over towards the staircase. “We’ll be safe once we get to the next
level, now come on.” He had to push her in the direction of the stairs due to her shock.
resumed her favourite human shape, the one she liked to think of as her usual self. She ran skipping through the befuddled
Daleks, easily avoiding instant death several times until she caught up with her best friend Eve and her other best friend
the Doctor. “This is good fun.” She laughed. “What’s next? A dramatic duel with the Cybermen?”
She began to sing My Sharona in a nice loud voice so that the Daleks could hear her.
Finally they made it wheezing and with stitches to the top of the stairs, only to find that the Daleks had took the
lifts. “Oh bugger.” The Doctor muttered before Eve collapsed unconscious. “Alice, it looks like
you’ll have to save us this week.” the Time Lord instructed his blonde companion.
WILL NOW ALL BE EXTERMINATED!” The Dalek Supreme announced smugly.
Alice asked. “We’re no threat to you in this state. Anyway we’re entitled to one last request each, galactic
DALEKS DID NOT SIGN SUCH AN AGREEMENT!” The Dalek Supreme explained.
“The Doctor forged your signature.” Alice stated. “It wasn’t difficult, a sink plunger dipped in ink was all it took in
SEE THE EMPORER DALEK ABOUT THIS!” The Dalek Supreme exclaimed. “THE DALEK NATION’S IDENTITY IS UNDER COPYRIGHT!”
“Oh I was expecting a bigger finish than this.” Alice was glum.
“WE WELL RETURN, YES WE WILL RETURN. UNTIL THEN THERE MUST BE NO FORGERIES, NO BAD FAKES. JUST DON’T IMITATE
US OR OUR BELIEFS AND PROVE TO US THAT WE ARE NOT MISTAKEN IN OURS, OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED TWICE!” The Dalek Supreme
led its cohort of Daleks outside to their spaceship, which then crashed, into the sun for no adequately explored reason.