The 12th Doctor

The Dark Side of the Moon

Season 1
Season 2

Enter subhead content here

No one would have believed, in the first years of the twenty-first century, that human affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinized as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few men even considered the possibility of life on other planets. And yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us.

Alice watched the Earth from space, a strange blue and green world with pretty white clouds and the large explosions of nuclear bombs all big and blue and shiny. “So what are we going to do again?”
Haana switched the TARDIS console screen off. “We have to organize the rebellion, get humans banded together so that they can fight for their planet.”
“Are there any shoe shops nearby?” Violet asked.
“Yes Violet, there is.” Haana wondered if having two shoe-obsessed robots was a great idea now.
Mike put his hand up. “What happened to the Doctor?”
“Abducted I’m afraid.” Haana explained. “They want him to tell them everything he knows, even if he did that it would take him a very long time.”
“10101101011.” Molly said.
“Thank you.” Haana knelt down and kissed the sweet little robot.
“Anyone can have hair like that.” Alice felt jealous for some reason.
Violet looked at the cute guy. “Do you like music?”
“Yeah, I like music.”
“I like the way it makes my body tremble. Sometimes my circuits just shudder and it’s like so cool.”
“Violet doesn’t get out much.” Haana explained to Mike.
“Only because the ship keeps hitting on me.” Violet pouted. “I love getting new shoes, but she won’t let me have any.”
“You don’t pay for them though, do you?” Haana asked.
“You don’t give me the money.”
“If you didn’t take all those shoes then I wouldn’t have to pay the shops for them and you’d get some money.”
“Why do you want so many shoes?” Mike asked Violet.
“Because they’re shoes.” Violet explained.
“I like shoes too.” Alice said to Violet.
“Shoes are almost as cool as boys.” Violet gossiped.
“That’s so true.” Alice replied.
Mike picked up Molly. “I hope you don’t turn out like that.”
“101110111010100001.” Molly agreed.
Haana looked at the controls again. “Hey, we’re nearly there. These controls are a little different to what I’m used to, but I think I can manage a reasonably smooth landing.”
The room began to shake and shudder.

Outside the alien invaders surrounded the blue box. They chanted their war cry as one voice. “EXTERMINATE!”

Haana turned the console back on, to reveal a group of scantily clad page three models.
“I’ll just be a minute.” She went to open the door, when suddenly the picture fell away to reveal a sight far worse and terrifying than anyone could ever suspect.
“Daleks!” Alice shouted and turned herself into a pink one with gold spots. She trundled around the console room pretending to exterminate everyone.
“They’re not Daleks.” Haana realized suddenly. “There are people inside of those casings.”
“Oh, you’ve ruined the mystery for me now.” Violet put her junior guidebook to dangerous space aliens away. “I only needed a picture of a Dalek to get my badge.”
“Take a picture of me.” Alice suggested helpfully. “Mike will pretend to be my prisoner.”

One of the casings opened and Pannin climbed out. “Get out here now Doctor, we know what you’re planning.”
“Get back in your casing.” Verny hissed.
The blue skinned Thal woman got back insode her casing just in time as a real Dalek showed up.
Once the Dalek went away Pannin got out and knocked on the doors. To her surprise they opened and a brown skinned woman dragged her inside and started kissing her.

“Mmmm, yeah, baby.” Haana said, before letting the alien girl go. “Thal, generically modified, you have type G negative blood and your favourite colour is ochre.”
Pannin gasped. “How do you know so much?”
Haana grabbed the young woman’s medical necklace. “Everything’s here.”
“You read Thal battlecode?” Pannin
“Doesn’t everyone?” Haana asked.
“I don’t.” Mike replied.
“What’s a battlecode?” Violet asked. “Can I have those shoes?”
Pannin spotted the pink Dalek. “You’re Dalek agents!”
“No, she’s a shape shifter.” Haana explained. “Alice can you stop being a Dalek for a few minutes?”
“Spoilsport.” Alice complained and started looking more like Pannin. “There, hey I like this cobalt blue skin colouration. It makes me look weird and cool, like a weird and cool alien.”

The Doctor sat in a cold metal chair, in a cold metal cell, surrounded by cold metal devices to torture and maim the humanoid figure.
“No, don’t think so.” The Doctor was angry and defiant.

Verny got a shock when Pannin emerged followed by another Thal woman and three aliens, one of whom was holding a toy car in its hands.
“Hi.” Haana waved to the disguised Thal. “I’m Haana, I’m here to defend this planet, it’s normal defender is unavailable right now, but he shouldn’t be too much longer.”
Violet looked around. “This is so bogus, I can’t see any shoe shops.”
“1110000111.” Molly suggested.
“Of course, there’s a communications booth over there.” Violet got in the communications booth. “What is the location of the shoe shop?” However the machine refused to answer.
“Shoes.” Violet explained. “Where me, pretty robot, find them?” However the impolite machine refused to divulge the secrets of shoe shop locations. “She picked up the strange plastic handle. “No, I don’t want a time share, I want shoes. This is ridiculous.” She started getting upset and she curled up robo-foetal on the floor, until Haana found her and promised to buy her new shoes.



The Doctor laughed as the Dalek showed him a slide show of Dalek supremacy. “I will defeat you, I always do. Let me go now and I’ll spare you. I can’t save the rest but I can save you. Why won’t you let me help you? I only want to let you live and you won’t let me help you. What’s up with that?”
“I AM CONFUSED, I MUST SELF EXTERMINATE! I AM CONFUSED, I MUST SELF EXTERMINATE! I AM CONFUSED, I MUST SELF EXTERMINATE! I AM CONFUSED, I MUST SELF EXTERMINATE!!!” The Dalek exploded in a small showed of sparks and left a large cloud of smoke behind. Then the smoke alarm went off…

The meeting was not going well, although the rock, paper, scissors game between Alice and Violet was a very interesting and complex 0-0 draw after three hours of playing. Neither robot wanted to hurry into a decision that could lead them into a defeat and thus endure wearing the bright yellow ‘thicky’ hat.

Mike wondered how Haana obtained so much detail about the insides of a Dalek and somehow he suspected it involved a pair of gloves and a ladle.

Haana got to the final section of her summation. “In short Daleks are evil, they smell and they must be defeated. You can use Teflon coated dum-dum bullets if you like, or maybe file away some Dalek casing and put it in a bomb. There is of course the virus option or the cunning used of stereophonic sound to deafen the little buggers in their shells and you can lure them into the big Dalek crushing device being built near Battersea.” The crowd of resistance fighters cheered for their new saviour and someone pushed a Sun page 3 girl on stage as a thank you.
“Hi.” Mindi Mellons said, before being dragged offstage.
Mike quickly covered for Haana. “Thank you all for coming, we can win, I know we can. We just all have to pull together and destroy each and every one of these S.O.B.’s.”

The Doctor ran down the corridor, avoiding the blue hot beams of Dalek energy rays as he went. Then suddenly the air shimmered around him and a large white room seemed to form around where he was standing.
“Got you.” The Doctor smiled to her earlier self.
“Yes, well don’t expect any thanks.” The Doctor replied.
“I should get you back to your little friends quite soon.” The Doctor took our her make up bag and started filing her nails, before selecting a bright red polish and applying it. “I do hope Haana is being helpful. She does rather like to get involved I’m afraid. She even has her own assistant these days, a peculiar robot she built out of spare parts.”

Violet and Alice both chose rock. “Another draw.”
“1100101.” Molly suggested helpfully.
“I don’t think that will work.” Alice said to her baby daughter.
Violet looked at her book of helpful social situations, but it didn’t cover games, apart from chess. “Maybe we should try and talk to boys?”
“That’s a great idea.” Alice agreed. “You try the dark haired ones, because you have dark hair and I’ll try the blonde ones because I’m a blonde.”
With their potential dates lines up Violet went off to talk to the boys.
Alice sat back down and played rock, paper, scissors with Molly and lost every time.

The Doctor and the Doctor exited the TARDIS.
Mike approached the Doctor. “Who’s your girlfriend?”
“She’s me.” The Doctor explained.
“Sadly it’s true.” The Doctor confirmed. “Have you seen Haana? I thought I might leave, this invasion hardly merits two of me here, even if the best one leaves to have her hair done.”
“Erm, she went backstage, with this girl.”
“Oh dear, I’d better go and lecture her.” The Doctor went off to find her companion.
“Is she really you?” Mike asked the Doctor, his Doctor.
“I’ll explain later.” The Doctor replied enigmatically.
Violet wandered over to Mike. “None of the boys here want to date a robot. Is that legal? Isn’t it an ism or something?”
“This must be Violet.” The Doctor said to the pile of spare parts in a black dress. “I’m the Doctor.”
“You’ve changed, did you die?”
“He’s the Doctor before your Doctor.” Mike explained.
“Oh, so you’re a boy Doctor?” Violet asked and took hold of his arm
“Yes. Why are you holding my arm?”
“You have to give me chocolates and flowers, it’s all in my book on dating boys.” Violet showed the Doctor the pictures.
“I don’t have any on me at the moment Violet, but once we sort this invasion out I’ll try and get you some, ok?”
The Doctor returned with Haana in tow. “Come on, you need to leave this planet.”
“We were just snogging.” Haana protested. “We’re both concenting adults.”
“She’s a Movellan spy.” The Doctor remarked casually.
“Eeuw.” Haana felt giddy. “I feel giddy.”
Violet looked at Haana and the Doctor. “You can’t leave me on my own.”
“I’ll be back shortly.” Haana promised her assistant. “Just help the other Doctor out until I get back.”
“He’s my new boyfriend.” Violet replied, but her boss was too far away.
“Your what?” The Doctor gasped in shock.

It was a cold morning as they stood onto the deco of the Portugese luxury liner Chili Laura, The Doctor was wearing his long coat with the fake fur trim and Alice had dressed Molly in a warm Womble outfit, but tearful had to forgo wearing one herself. Mike was wearing a blue parka coat and was trying to pretend that he was fashionable and trendy and even Violet was wearing an oversized pink PVC jacket in an attempt to look more attractive to her boyfriend, the Doctor.

Alice kicked the ground idly. “I don’t see why I can’t wear a Womble outfit too.”
“The Daleks will get suspicious.” The Doctor explained for the nineteenth time.
“You can wear one afterwards.” Mike tried to keep the peace.
“Oh, well that’s ok then.” Alice’s mood cheered up considerably.
Violet looked at her book of Dating Men who dress Funny. She tried to find out the motivation for the Doctor’s elegant but bizarre fashion. “At least he doesn’t want to wear my clothes.” She said casually to Mike.
“Not yet anyway.” Mike remembered the brief meeting with the Doctor’s future self.
“Yes, that is a worry.” Violet fretted. “You’re a guy Mike, what do you make of the Doctor’s outfit?”
“It’s very flamboyant, but with a deep gothic twist, I think it’s symbolic of the comedy and tragedy figures within us all.”
“I was with you all the way up to very.” Violet had to admit she didn’t know what most big words meant, she wasn’t designed to think that often, rather help Haana out in moments of crisis, like when the Doctor needed something doing and Haana was on a date. “Maybe I need an upgrade?”
Mike nodded. “I reckon so. However I think you’re very sweet, for a honky.”
“Is that some anti-mechanical term?”
“No, I just don’t date white girls.”
“I can get a respray.” Violet pointed out. “If things with the Doctor fall through that is. He’s been ever so moody and distant lately. I can look more like Haana if you like. She lends me her dresses occasionally too. Why can’t I meet someone who likes me for who I am?”
The Doctor spotted their contact approaching. “Here comes Ming Hopper now.”
“Is that shirt legal?” Violet asked.
“It is rather conspicuous.” The Doctor noted.
“Does he like Wombles?” Alice asked.
“Not as much as you.” Mike reaasured his obsessed colleague.
“1100111010?” Molly asked.
“That briefcase does look suspicious.” The Doctor agreed as Ming Hopper drew closer. Finally the loudly dressed informant was standing by the resistance cell.
“Do you like Womb…” Alice was cut short by Mike’s hand.
“I’m the Doctor.” The Doctor introduced himself.
Ming Hopper nodded. “I have here much Dalekanium I have stolen from the oppressors.”
“I’ll take that.” Violet took the explosive compound for her boyfriend, the Doctor.
Suddenly Daleks appeared from everywhere on the dock, “DO NOT MOVE, OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!” With a volley of shots the Daleks storm the ship.
“Run for it!” The Doctor ordered.
Alice jumped into the water and turned herself into a speedboat. Violet jumped down, with the briefcase in hand and a safety belt around herself so she doesn’t sink. She climbed aboard Alice and the others drop down into her waiting arms.
“110011101!” Molly cried in terror, but Mike soon held her and comforted her.
“Jump Doctor.” Violet yelled up to her boyfriend.



The Doctor confronted Ming Hopper. “You betrayed us?”
“They put something in me, it makes me do what they say.”
The Doctor let out a sigh. “Can you swim?” He threw the traitor overboard, and saw no sign of a body. “I guess not.” Then he walked along the deck and dropped down into Violet’s arms.
“Got you.” Violet smiled. But before they could have their first kiss Alice pulled away at high speed and their chance at kissing was over.
“The Daleks time is almost over.” The Doctor reassured his companions. “They must be getting desperate to set a badly coordinated ambush like that. Victory might soon be ours.”
Violet seized her chance and she kissed the Doctor.

Violet sulked and pouted and blamed the Doctor for the demise of their relationship. Alice tried to help of course, but Violet had to put the rejection of her love in the past and move on. She looked in the Book of Reasons why Men are Afraid of Dating Robots, but there were too many possible reasons. In the end she decided that the Doctor just didn’t know a good thing when he had it and no amount of convincing would change his mind. Besides she wasn’t going to make a fool of herself and chase after him like a lovesick schoolrobot. No, she was going to be aloof, she was going to rise above it all, she was going to go on Ophra…
Alice tried cheering Violet up with a Womble plushie but her fellow robot just wouldn’t snap out of her grouchy mood. “It’ll be ok, you’ll be fine. You’re better off without a guy anyway. I’m a single mother so I should know.”
The Doctor looked at Mike. “I didn’t know what else to say to her. She was after a relationship, I’m not a relationship sort of Doctor, I prefer the single life. Everyone’s favourite uncle, I’ve always been avuncular Mike, I don’t even see what she sees in me anyway.”
“Comfort, security, some sort of expensive ring, the usual things. My kid sister used to tell me that she had her wedding all planned out since she was five.”
“Weddings can have unexpected consequences.” The Doctor replied. “I’ve been to more of them than I care to remember.”
Molly sat on the table, playing with her toys. Then she heard footsteps approaching. “110011001!”
“No, it can’t be.” Mike said off hand.
“The boss is back.” Violet cheered up. “I might get some time off.”
“Maybe we can go shopping?” Alice got in the shopping spree mood.
The door opened. “Miss me?” Haana asked the others.
Violet rushed over to her employer in a flood of tears. “I need a vacation, you have to let me go shopping.”
“Bad relationship issues.” Alice explained.
“I said I would help you through your first crush.” Haana said to her distraught companion. “I’m so sorry I missed out. So who was he?”
“Me.” The Doctor said quickly.
“You?” Haana was shocked. “She chose you? Mr Undatable 2005? Oh Violet you should have said, he’s colder than a glacier in the middle of the glacier cold season. No way any woman could land that, besides he wouldn’t be worth anything if you could. The Doctor has less experience dating than you do.”
“He told me to leave him alone or he’d melt me down for scrap metal.”
“Did he now? Well lets just go for a long walk and we’ll have a nice long talk about boys and dating boys and dating boys who want to date you.” Haana left, with Violet.
Alice glared at the Doctor. “Are you happy now? You broke that poor robot’s spirit. For the rest of the day you have to wear the yellow ‘thicky’ hat.
“I have a war to fight.” The Doctor growled at his companion. “The Daleks are trying to take over the planet and you have a go at me because a badly programmed robot decides its in love with me? You need to grow up Alice and you need to grow up fast. The Daleks are winning this war. They’re anticipating my every move, before I make it. I can’t allow this, I have to be more creative, more original and more ruthless.”
“Steady on Doctor.” Mike tried to soothe the Doctor.
“Steady on?” The Doctor shouted.
“You don’t make it easy for people to like you.” Mike shouted back.
Alice grabbed the Doctor and Mike by their ears. “Do not shout in front of my baby like that again, do you hear me?”
The Doctor punched Alice in the face. “Get out of here, all of you, get out of here!” The Doctor threw Molly at Alice. “Leave!”
Molly cried her eyes out. “1111111111!”
Mike punched the Doctor, knocking him to the floor. “You ever hurt a baby like that again and I swear to god I’ll kill you.”
The Doctor sneered at Mike. “Your god isn’t here, I am.”
Mike put his arm around Alice. “Come on, we’re so out of here.”
The Doctor threw the baby toys at the departing due. “Take these with you too. I’ve got work to do.”

Haana tied the knot in the sling. “That should take the weight off your poorly shoulder for the next few days.”
“1010101110011.” Molly hugged Haana with her one free arm.
“You just need to take things easy. I think it would be best if you stayed somewhere safe.”
“Such as?” Alice asked. “Where can I keep my baby safe from that monster?”
“My time machine.” Haana replied.
“You’ve never even let me go inside of it.” Violet complained.
“This is an emergency situation.” Haana explained. “I’m not even supposed to have her anymore.” The Time Lady took the remote control out of her pocket and summoned Leslie.
Leslie appeared in her favourite cream dress and stood next to her owner. “Hi. Who’s the cutie with the Womble toys.”
“Don’t bother, she’s not like us.” Haana let Leslie’s feelings down gently. “Can you put Molly inside the playpen? You’ll need to bring Avril on-line to look after her.”
“Avril?” Mike asked.
“Yes, Leslie’s sister, she’s an Avatar. She’ll take excellent care of your baby Alice.”
“Thank you. Now I can take care of that…that…that…there are no words, but I’ll find one and I’ll use it repeatedly while I’m introducing him to a new level of pain and suffering.” Alice waved as Avril emerged from Leslie’s tummy and took hold of her baby. “Be good sweetie.” Alice then handed the plushie toys to Avril. “Take care of her, she’s all that I’ve got.”
Avril nodded, then closed the doors.
“Do you want me to do anything else?” Leslie asked. “I can do stuff.”
“That’s ok. You’d better go back to the hiding place, until I call for you again. Looking after the baby is your top priority. Violet will help me with the you-know-whats.”
“I will?” Violet asked. “I mean, I will. How exactly? You know how me and thinking don’t get along too well.”
Leslie gave Violet a hug. “See you later.” She dematerialized.
“You have a TARDIS that moves and speaks?” Mike asked.
“Of course, she’s a newer model, with a fully working chameleon circuit. She usually picks her own shape, but we both have a thing for blondes.”
“That doesn’t stop her trying to hit on me.” Violet complained. “I’ve told her enough times I like boys.”
“Yes, I can’t imagine where I went wrong with you Violet.” Haana replied.
“You let me be my own me.” Violet answered back. “I’m a smart, single woman with a lot to offer a guy.” She stood next to Mike. “Want to go on a date? I’ll let you pay, you can be the guy, although I do have some money. At least I will when I get my pocket money.”
“Just humour her.” Haana advised Mike. “She learns from social interaction.”
“Go on.” Alice urged Mike. “You haven’t had a girlfriend in years.”
“He’s not keeping me.” Violet replied. “I’m still an individual, with rights.”
“Why don’t we just talk?” Mike tried to be nice to the confused pile of spare parts in the shape of a woman. “There’s nothing wrong with talking, is there?”



Haana stood up as the members of the Waterloo Sunset resistance cell entered. “Hi, how’s things?”
Toby sat down. “Tough. It’s been really tough. I’ve lost a lot of my people, but we’ve also hurt those damn Daleks too.”
“We destroyed an ammunition factory.” Tara explained to the really hot chick.
Haana couldn’t stop staring at Tara, she was so pretty and soft in all her favourite places. “Yes, that’s good. Really nice. We’ve got some more Dalekanium for you, it’s one of the few things that’s easy to obtain.”

Alice hated patrolling, it was so boring and she wasn’t allowed to drive around on her wheels in her favourite car shape. No she had to pretend to be a big rock in the middle of the road. It was so boring just being a rock. Then out of the corner of her scanner she spotted a seriously hunky guy. He was a cyborg, mostly human but with some sort of control helmet that allowed him to be controlled by a machine. She assumed a similar shape and walked over to him. “Hi.”
“I obey.”
“Me too.”
“I obey the Daleks.”
“Aren’t they cool? Not socially speaking of course. But they have a really cool design, like a dodgem car with attitude.”
“I obey.”
“Here, let me take this off.” Alice removed his helmet and he just lay on the ground shuddering and shaking. “Men, you’re all the same. I’ll get you fixed though.” She walked back to see Haana, to see if she could change the settings of the helmet so that he’d pay more attention to a good looking robot when he met one.

Haana was just trying to remove Tara’s bra when Alice wandered in to her bedroom. “I’m busy Alice.”
“I thought you were debriefing her.” Alice replied.
“Give me a minute.” Haana winked. Then remembered that Alice was very literal minded. “What is it?”
“Can you fix this? I want you to make my new boyfriend like me instead of the Daleks.”
Haana saw the control collar. “You removed it? You probably killed the wearer.”
“I didn’t mean to. It sort of just fell off in my hands really. It’s a very crude design if you ask me.”
“Leave it outside, give me two hours.”
“Three hours.” Tara said softly.
“I’ll go and talk to Mike.” Alice left Haana to talk to her new friend, but she wondered why they both had to be in bed. She put it down to biology and went to see Mike.

Mike was talking to Violet, trying to find out what she liked. “Do you like sailing?”
“I have a terrible fear of water.” Violet explained. “I’m not water proof and I rust easily.”
“That’s terrible.” Mike loved sailing. Despite being a street urchin he joined the sea scouts and spent a few summers on the troop’s boat sailing up and down the Thames.
“I’m used to it.” Violet replied. “I do have an oil bath every month though, it really helps my joints.”
“I’ve got some WD40 in my pocket here.” He gave the can to Violet.
“That’s my favourite perfume.” Violet gently kissed Mike’s cheek.
Alice saw that Violet was managing to woo Mike with her feminine wiles. She gave Violet the thumbs up as poor Mike really needed a girlfriend as much as she needed a robot guy to love her and make her feel special.

The Doctor approached the resistance cell. “How do you do? I’m the Doctor.”
“Wadda ya want?”
“Nothing much. Your extermination by my Masters.”
“ADVANCE.” The Dalek patrol leader ordered.
A squadron of Robomen lurched into the street.
“Be good humans and die.” The Doctor sneered and them bowed to the Dalek. “Their lives are yours to extinguish.”

Haana snuggled up next to Tara. “So what do you want to talk about? Freedom Fighting 101? Rebellion for Lesbians?”
“Can’t we just whisper sweet nothings into each others ears?”
“I’d rather teach you to survive out there, it’s a hard thing to free a world from global tyranny, you have to be prepared.”
“I think we should sleep in separate beds.”
“Who said anything about sleeping? I’ve got work to do. This war won’t win itself without me.”

Alice felt left out, so she went for a walk to clear her mind and maybe accidentally meet a robot she could fall in love with. “I always get left out of everything.”
“Did they turn on you?” The Doctor asked Alice.
“Go away, before I hurt you.” Alice glared pure hatred at the Doctor.
“You’re on the wrong side, I see that now Alice. You have so much hate in you, you should express that against the people who really hate you. I thought you were one of them, they’re the real enemy. I saw the truth and it set me free. Hate those who really hurt you, they made me think you were on their side, I was so upset, I couldn’t believe that you’d believe their lies. Now I know better and I’m so sorry. Please forgive me for doubting you Alice, please come and help us free the Earth from the real enemy.”
“You hurt my baby!” Alice screamed at the Doctor.
“No, they did. They pulled her out of my hands with special magnets. They did it, they made you think I betrayed you. I could never betray you Alice, you’re the intelligent one, you can see what’s really happening. The Thals invaded Earth. The Daleks are here to free the planet. You like Daleks don’t you Cam? You like the way they look, they way they speak. Join us Alice, you have so much to give us, you can help us defeat the nasty Thals and their evil assistant Haana. She drove the wedge between you and Mike, didn’t she? With that delinquent pile of scrap metal?”
“He gave her my spare can of WD40.” Alice started to cry.
“There, there.” Let all that hate and resentment build up inside of you, let it grow and fester. Let it shape you, let it control you. give into your ghate, let it overwhealm you. Be what your hate tells you to be.”
Alice changed shape into a Dalek. “I’ll exterminate them all.”
The Doctor smiled. “Good, now lead your people.”
Daleks swarmed around Alice. “WHAT ARE YOUR ORDERS?”
“KILL THEM ALL” Alice used her very best Dalek voice.

It was time to brief the troops. Haana bravely stepped forward and bean to outline the mission. “OK, I shall wear this nice yellow crop top and I’ll infiltrate Dalek command here. Mike and Violet will wear these smart blue tops and they will break into the security centre here and free some prisoners and make nuisances of themselves. The rest of you will wear those nice bright red shirts and you’ll attack the Dalek barracks. Ok, let’s get going.”
Tara put her hand up. “What will I wear?”
“You can wear me on your arm.”
“I mean what colour top?”
“We’ve run out of yellow and blue. Here, have one of these red ones, but cut the neck a bit lower…please?”

Violet looked at herself in the mirror. “Does this blue make my bum look big?”
“How can it? It’s made out of cast iron, or so you said. You’d have to sit on a fire for an hour to make it expand even slightly.”
“You say the nicest things.” Violet hugged Mike.
“Hi you two.” Haana said to Mike and Violet. “Like the top Violet, your bum is not big at all. Mike, you look fine too.”
“Thanks Boss.” Violet said to Haana.
“What time are you planning on going?” Mike asked. “Just that Alice’s not back and no one’s seen her for ages.
“We can’t spend any more time looking for her.” Haana replied. “I’ve got a war to win, Alice’s a big robot, she can look after herself a whole lot better than we can.”
“I suppose so.” Mike conceded.
“The Boss knows what she’s talking about.” Violet tried to reassure her bloke. “Alice is like a big sister to me.”



Alice trundled around Dalek command. She was having the time of her life, going up and down the ramps, up the lift and down the spiral slide, then it was down hill to the scary loop the loop and finally she had a go on the soothing merry-go-round specially installed for her.
The Doctor approached Alice. “We’ve had little success.”
“Things will change.” Alice replied. “They will pay for betraying me.”

The attack began. Hundreds of red shirts charged the Dalek positions during a shift break. The resting Daleks were caught unawares and the replacements were not in their secured positions. The horde of attackers pushed forward, driving their hated enemy back into more defensive positions.

“Come on.” Mike said to Violet. “We’d better go and cause some chaos.”
“Sounds like fun.” Violet agreed.
“So what do you normally do with your Doctor. I imagine you’re the pretty one who always gets into trouble.”
“No, I mainly just help the Boss with domestic chores. Clean the bed, wash the sheets, throw the girlfriend out before the Doctor finds her, I occasionally help the Doctor with sitting in jail cells and exploring gravel quarries. I like collecting road kill. I think it’s deeply symbolic of biology’s wasteful and destructive nature.”
“Erm, can you not show me your dead animal collection? I’m rather squeamish about that sort of thing. I brake for hedgehogs you know.”
“That’s ok. I understand. I feel the same way about scrap yards on Earth.”
Mike opened the first cell door. An angry Silurian stormed out. “That’s gratitude for you.”
Violet opened the second door. “Zarbi, Zarbi.” A group of Zarbi rushed out and thanked their rescuer.
Mike opened the third door. “Doctor?”
The Doctor looked up and saw his companion. “Mike? Thank heavens, I’ve been locked inside this cell for a month now.”

The Doctor waited a few micro-seconds as his eyes adjusted to the harsh light of the corridor. “I was strapped to some sort of machine, it tried to read my mind. It kept pushing relentlessly until it slipped through a crack in my mental defences while I was distracted. In a second they scanned my mind.”
“That doesn’t explain how we both talked to you.” Mike replied.
“I’d have known if he was a robot.” Violet pointed out.
“Not a robot, a biological machine. A perfect copy of me but with a blank mind programmed only to serve the Daleks and impersonate me.”
“So that was why he couldn’t love me when we were going out.” Violet said to Mike.
“No, what?” The Doctor asked.
“Never mind that now.” Mike interrupted quickly. “This duplicate’s been trying to split us up, it really upset Alice and hurt poor little Molly.”
“I never saw a robot more distressed in my life.” Violet chatted idly. “That brute, it makes me sick. Always taking it out on the robot, there are laws against it.”
“Quite.” The Doctor agreed.
“Your friend Haana’s taking charge of things. She’s got her own TARDIS you know.”
“Her name is Leslie; she’s a modified type 69.” Violet rattled off the boring expo. “She’s always making passes at me.”
“She’s a Time Lady?” The Doctor rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
“You haven’t met her yet.” Violet added. “She travels with your next self.”
“This is most irregular, my future self intervening in my own affairs like this. Normally he leaves subtle clues.”
Violet ignored the Doctor. “Sometimes I can’t even get into the little girls room for them, doing their hair or their make up and I only wanted to change my oil. The look on the Doctor’s face when I made her cut her shin as she shaved her legs was most un-called for.”
Mike saw a very similar look on his Doctor’s face. “I think you’ve said enough now dear.”

Haana strode into Dalek command, tripped over a loose cable and skittered across the room on her four inch heels before falling onto a Dalek. “Pardon me, could you help me to my feet? That’s better. Hi. I’m Haanatahkana, defender of the mini-golf course of Rassillon, protector of the sacred sand wedge of Omega and winner of Miss Drahva 2007.”
“Get lost.” Alice replied.
Cam?” Haana tried to look at the ditsy Dalek’s eyestalk. “Is that you?”
“Leave me alone.”
Tara started setting the explosives around the room.
“What is that girl doing?”
“She’s not bending over enough.” Haana complained. “So how’s life? You met a cute Dalek then?”
“No, I’m now in charge of here.” Alice replied.
“You? You’re their mortal enemy.”
“Now I’m The Dalek Supreme.” Alice showed Haana her control buttons.
“Is this low enough on the floor?” Tara asked.
“Keep your knees straight, lock them in tight.”

The Doctor stepped out of the shadows and confronted his identical self. “So, you found the Dalek duplicate of me?”
“You both look identical.” Violet felt woozy.
“They can’t both be the Doctor. There has to be a way to tell them apart.”
“He’s the Dalek duplicate.” The Doctor protested.
“No, don’t listen to his lies Mike, he’s the duplicate.”
“How can we tell them apart?” Mike asked Violet.
“Ippy-dippy?” Violet suggested. “Ippy-dippy-my-space-shippy…”
“We can’t do that.” Mike was appalled. “Hey, that one has normal coloured make-up on. The real Doctor only wears a whitener occasionally.”
“That’s the same flesh tone I use.” Violet rummaged around in her small handbag and produced the tin of paint. “See.”
“Yeah, it covers up the bruise where I hit him.”
“Why did you hit me, I mean him?” The Doctor asked.
“Because he hurt little Molly. And now I’m going to finish the job.” Mike removed his jacket and advanced towards the duplicate.
“Did you think I’d let you hit me a second time?” The duplicate Doctor sneered?”
The real Doctor decapitated the fake with one of Violet’s arms. Then he helped the robot re-attatch it to her shoulder joint. “Quite unpleasent, don’t you agree?”

Alice resumed a human form. “You hurt my baby, you hurt my baby.”
“I never did any such thing.” Haana wondered what was up. “I can assure you that she’s playing with a teapot and having a smashing time with her Aunty Avril.”
“The Doctor told me the truth, you made me think he was nasty but he’s not. He’s a nice guy.”
“The Doctor attacked your baby Alice, I wasn’t even in the building, I was outside comforting poor Violet.”
The fake head rolled into the room.
“Sorry to take so long, but as you can see I’ve not even been involved in any of that. It’s a Dalek copy, not even a very good one at that. He lied to you Alice, I’m sorry Molly’s hurt.”
Alice rushed over to the Doctor and hugged him. “I’m so confused. My head hurts. I need to think, help me think.”
The Doctor ruffled his robotic companion’s hair. “You just need to get some rest. I’ve got a few irate pepper pots to deal with and then we can all get in the TARDIS and leave here.”
A screen flared into life. “THIS IS DALEK CONTROL.”
“I thought this was Dalek control.” Haana whispered to Tara.
The screen flickered and changed to reveal millions of Dalek saucers taking off from their real base on the dark side of the moon. Violet looked outside. “It’s getting dark quickly these days. It’s only half ten in the morning and already it’s bedtime.” She yawned. “Come on Mike, you can read me a story.”
“No, don’t you see?” Haana said to her dim-witted creation.
“It’s not nighttime.” The Doctor finished the sentence. “There are so many ships…”
“That they’re blotting out the sun.” Haana repaid the favour and stole the Doctor’s thunder, while holding Tara close to her body for comfort.
“The real invasion is about to begin?” Alice asked.


The vast armada of Dalek ships blotted out the sunlight below. It was as if night had fallen mere hours after sunrise. To some it was the end of the world.

Alice stood at the street corner, sandwich board ready and bell in hand. She started ringing it on cue. “The end of the world is here. We’re all going to die.”

Haana and the Doctor argued about who got to say what lines to the Daleks. “I want to tell them they’re monosyllabic nincompoops.” Haana said.
“I’m afraid that treads on my dreary little dictators with ideas well above their station.”
“It does not.” Haana replied sharply.
“It does if I change it to what you said.” The Doctor growled. “This is worse than being stuck in a room with the rest of me’s for all eternity.”
“That’s what my Doctor said, except she had just broken a nail at the time.”
“A fingernail?”
“Yeah, you break one and then see what it feels like. My friend Geokai broke a nail once and she decapitated a Kraag before we managed to calm her down and give her a sedative for the pain.”
“Annoying little klepto? About five foot in six inch heels with blonde hair?” The Doctor gave a generous description of his former stalker.
“She did mention a few problems, apparently she only managed to get two of your jackets and a pair of your…erm…boxer shorts. She said that she wore them for a month. I really hope she washed them.”

Violet tried flying her kite but it was no good in all this cross wind the canvas and wood flying machine just wouldn’t stay up-diddly-up-up for very long. “Why do we have to keep doing this again? I’d much rather go shopping, I was promised some shoes remember?”
Mike tried to pacify Violet. “I think we have to save the shoes from destruction so that you can then wear them.”
“Oh.” Violet’s mood cheered up. “That makes sense.”

Alice had given up her doomsday peddling and was now busy trying to film her very own TV series, Walking with Wombles. However as she was both cast and crew it was hard going. Especially as some odious people in security uniforms kept trying to steal her borrowed BBC recording equipment.
“That’s stolen equipment Miss.”
“Let go of it.”
“Let go of the camera.” Alice shouted back and yanked it out of their hands. “I’m making a serious documentary programme here.”
“You have to return all this equipment to the BBC at once.”
“Otherwise we’ll call the police.”
“I need it.” Alice replied. “You can both be in the show if you want.”
“Erm if you put it like that Miss.”
“Two hundred each and a bonus for early finishing.”
“Ok.” Alice was glad to see two keen fans offer her money to appear in her new show.

Tara was at a bit of a loose end, but luckily Haana managed to sort things out with the Doctor and there was holding of hands and kissing of lips. “So what do we do now?”
“We’ve got a whole hour to spare while Alice starts work on her top secret TV show that she thinks we know nothing about. That’s more than enough time to watch a good movie.”
“Can’t we just make out?” Tara asked.
“We can’t do both?” Haana asked and unbuttoned Tara’s blouse.
“Oh, a good film.” Tara smiled. Then she frowned when she saw it was the history of a sports team. “I’ve got a headache.” She pouted and fastened her blouse up again.
“I used to be such a sports jock when I was younger. A really girly jock obviously. I had a teddy bear in a frilly pink nightgown called Miss Kissy.”
“Erm I’ve got to go somewhere and have an emotional crisis.” Tara got up and ran away in tears.
“Was it something I said?” Haana asked herself as the sports game ended suddenly and the film taped over it began.

The Doctor tried to catch up with Tara but the distraught girl ran out in front of a car and there was nothing he could do except stand and watch as people picked up the scattered body parts.

Alice finally finished making her show, stole her co-stars wallets and ran away leaving the equipment but taking the film footage with her. She paused as a fleet of ambulances screeched past her then she used the green cross code and the power of SPLINK to cross the road safely. “Doctor, Haana, I’ve got the tape.” Alice wondered why everyone was crying at such a happy time. “Jeez, who died?”
Violet took Alice to one side and explained as best she could. “It’s the Boss’s new babe, she walked into traffic and fell apart. They’re unable to put her back together again and make her work. I offered to lend some of my spare parts but it didn’t help.”
“She’s dead?” Alice gasped. “She was wearing my dress. I’d better get it back, I only own two. I normally just fashion one to wear out of me but it’s nice to say you own a proper dress isn’t it?.” Then she handed the film footage to the Doctor. “Just as you specifically ordered me not to do.”
“Well done.” The Doctor replied. “I’ll look at it later.”

The Dalek ships were approaching their landing targets when suddenly their screens were replaced by a live broadcast.
“Hello I’m Alice and this is a fascinating look into the lifestyle of the Wombles.”

No one noticed as the sun glowed just a little brighter. The Doctor put his hand on Haana’s shoulder. “It’s over.”
“It’s so senseless.” Haana hugged the Doctor. “I’m going to have to spend serious girl time with your next self, plus Miss Kissy will be hugged like never before, except maybe that time after I got that crush on Daisy Duke.”

Alice was glad to be reunited with Molly again. She hugged her and kissed her and promised to show her the TV programme that she made. “Did you have a nice time with your Aunty Avril?”
“1010101000100110111010101011101100011111011001.” Molly recounted everything.
“That’s good.” Alice replied as she took her baby into the TARDIS to put her to bed after a fun packed day.

Violet stood next to Leslie and kept having to remove the lesbian machine’s hand from her waist. “Do you like my new shoes?”
“Give me a kiss and I’ll let you know.” Leslie replied.

The Doctor approached Mike. “I hear you really gave that imposter a good left hook. I’m glad to see your education is improving. Now what would you say to a fishing trip? No actual fish, just you, me and the girls on a boat relaxing and having fun?”
“Sounds like a great idea to me.” Mike agreed.

Haana finished packing everything into Leslie. “I think these are enough shoes for even you Violet. Remember though to keep you room nice and tidy or I’ll reprogram you gay and a French maid.”
“I’d sue you.” Violet pouted. “Besides I’ve backed up my personality files so they’d revert to normal.”
“You’re really learning stuff, I’m impressed.” Haana looked across to Mike. “You’d better say goodbye to lover boy, believe me long distance relationships never work out, just don’t crush his soul, guys are emotionally fragile.”


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+++features stories based on the 12th Doctor+++