KNOW YOUR WOMBLES,
name is Alice and I'll be your guide as we explore the interesting world of Wombles.
I first began studying Wombles when I mistook one of them for the Doctor. I followed him back to his wonderful underground
home where we chatted about everything for hours while we sipped tea and ate hot buttered crumpets.
a naturally shy species, they are fearful of humans and take great lengths to avoid them. Myself being a robot I could interact
freely with this wonderful and interesting society. Until suddenly they all vanished and I found them years later half a mile
away with anti-robot traps around their burrow.
WHO: PLANET OF MISDIRECTION
looked up when the door to her room opened. In walked the Doctor, her bestest ever friend, dressed in bright red and black
fake furs. "Hello." She stooped writing her new book in her favourite lime green crayon and changed her shape to look like
a human female again.
The Doctor didn't
know where his companion got her womble fixation from but he blamed the TV set his last companion smuggled inside the time
machine. "There's something on the screen, a planet."
"I love planets."
Alice jumped up and down. "Can we explore it? Can we? Can we?"
"I don't see why
not." The Doctor agreed. "Why don't you go and find Mike and your baby while I set the controls to land the old girl."
"I get all the boring
jobs." Alice sulked.
"Cheer up." The
Doctor handed Alice an aluminium bar as a treat.
grinned and hugged the Doctor. "Thanks a lot." She skipped off down the corridor.
me I'll need a magnet to get her off me if she sees what I'm building her for her creation day party." The Doctor turned and
walked back to the console room.
Mike entered the console room carring
a pink beachball. "What's up?"
The Doctor pointed at the Imax screen. "It's a planet, quite green with some swirly clouds."
slinked into the room after her quick visit to the little robot's room and she hoped that she didn't miss anything vitally
"Good of you to join us." The Doctor said to the late arrival.
"I had to fix my hair and re-do my make up."
Alice explained. "I don't want to look back in case we get captured by hostile
aliens and thrown in a jail cell."
"That chances of us getting thrown in a jail cell are only one in two Alice."
The Doctor tried to reassure his companion. "Besides you can change your appearance so you won't clash with the decor."
handed Alice the beachball. "Here's your baby back. I read her three stories and
she's had a glass of oil."
"What kind of oil?"
"Duckham's hypergrade, why?"
"That always gives her wind. Great I'll
jave to burp her and me with my new hairdo."
"She's your robot." Mike explained. "I'm happy to babysit but I'm not going
to replace you as her parent."
"I'll pay you." Alice got out her purse. "Three
banana and custard sandwiches?"
"No, and I mean that." Mike stood next to the Doctor. "Can't you program her to be more
"110101101010!" Baby Molly gurgled, and was sick all over Mummy.
"Eeuw." The Doctor and Mike exclaimed
at the same time.
"This is so unfair." Alice protested but the room was suddenly
The Doctor wandered in a carefully chose random direction with Mike, until they were captured by hostile
aliens and thrown in a near-by jail cell. The Doctor looked around the cell, it was a standard twig and mud construction,
easy to break out of but that wasn't the point. Not when he could talk to the natives and learn their customs. It was to his
eternal horror and shame that upon looking out of the cell window he saw Alice
teaching the primatives all about Wombles.
Mike tried to hold the Doctor back as they approached Alice.
there, I was just telling my new friends all about the Wombles.”
"Can you resume a human shape?"
as Alice changed from Womble to Human. "We should get back to the TARDIS, it's
almost time for biscuits."
"I'll make the tea." Alice rushed back to the time
machine she called home.
"That's it, I'm throwing her out of the ship. I can't have her interfering in the natural evolution
of primative cultures."
"She means well." Mike mitigated in his friend's defence.
"Look, they're building a statue to
a Womble." The Doctor pointed at the religious icon. "That's just not right, at any time."
"Well if you'd been with her,
it wouldn't have happened."
"I know." The Doctor sighed. "I just need to keep a more focused eye on her. She really does
mean well. If only I could fix her core program, but that would make me no better than the Master."
"We could educate her,
teach her what's acceptable and what isn't."
"Possibly." The Doctor conceeded. Then a neighbouring tribe of Tellytubby
worshiping natives captured them and forced them to wear Po outfits...
Alice, the divine Tinky Winky
of Time and Space, adressed her followers. "Eh oh!" She said and waved.
"Eh oh!" The followers repeated.
Then she turned
her stomach into a TV screen and showed the people an educational film about how to make a five layer trifle.
and Mike struggled to get free, but they could not. However a small pink car drove up to Mike and becan cutting through the
ropes with a large pink plastic saw it held in its two front wheels. Molly finally managed to free Mike just in time for her
Mike freed the Doctor and he stalked through the crown of hypnotised tellytubbies, grabbed hold of his companion's
arm and dragged her back towards the TARDIS.
Mike followed, with the sleeping baby robot in his arms. "I think someone's
going to get a lever four telling off and I'm glad its not either of us." However he spoke too soon as Molly wet herself,
silver trails of hot mercury pooling in his arms.
Alice pouted as she
stood in the console room. "They captured me. I was just escaping when you try to break my arm. and brag me back here, I could
have been hurt."
The Doctor glared at his companion. "I want you to go to your room and think about what you did very hard
and very carefully. Then I want you to write out 100 times, I must not force my beliefs on other cultures, no matter how much
a good idea it sounds at the time. Do you get me?"
"All the way up to going to my room." Alice
replied. "I'll just figure out the rest later."
Mike returned with a crying baby in his arms. "She woke up, angry people
throwing rocks at her is not something she likes."
"My baby!" Alice rushed
over and cradled Molly in her arms. "It's ok now, Mummy's here. Shush, it's ok now, you're safe."
Molly protested and started crying again.
Mike looked at the Doctor. "You should see the bump on the back of my head, things
could have been a lot worse, robot denting worse."
Alice kissed Mike. "I'm
sure you did your best, after all you're only human."
The Doctor set the controls and dematerialised, just before the first
phase of the Wombles vs Tellytubbies war broke out...