This had to be the scheme of a lifetime; even Mel had agreed it was a good move.  Dearest Mel, so burned up inside by all that had happened in her past, but under his guidance she had grown out of her anger and into someone almost iniquitous as himself.

“It’s going to be a best seller.”  She looked at the first copy that had come off of the printing press.  “After all I helped write it so I should know.”

Drax looked at the boxes of books.  “It’s almost a shame to take any money for a job as pure as this, but there’s overheads to consider, paper and ink are expensive and there’s your commission to consider.”

Mel smiled.  “I can buy that necklace now, you know how much I enjoy pearls.”

“Of course Mel, and I know just the down on his luck Thoros Betan to talk into giving us all the money we want.”  Drax set the controls to take them to an old friend of his, and the Doctors.

Alice was busy in the children’s section of the bookstore, trying to find a few things to read to her baby and Mike was investigating the horror section, he preferred Bunny the Vampire Slaughterer novels.  The Doctor flittered from science to philosophy to art books like a brightly coloured butterfly.  He had read all these books, or met the authors usually to get them to write their books with a few helpful suggestions along the way.  He stopped dead when he saw a large display of books with his face on it.  Well it was his last face to be exact.  The book purported to be his autobiography.  He opened the covers and saw the publisher. “Galatron Publishing Corporation?  Sil!”  Slamming the book down he collected his companions, explained to Alice that she could buy the books later, explained to the staff that Alice set security alarms off and then explained to the police that Alice wasn’t trying to steal the books she had hidden inside her stomach.

Mike looked at Alice.  “Hey, he’s just being cranky don’t take it personal.”

Alice turned her tear circuits off.  “He said he was going to put me in a scrap yard.”

“He didn’t mean it, he’s been really upset since he saw that book.  I think he’s afraid what’s inside of it.”  Mike produced the copy he had purchased while the Doctor had been talking to the police.  “Why don’t you read it?  Your eyes are a lot faster than mine.”

Alice looked at the book.  “What if there are a lot of big words?”

“You’re literary girl now, use your dictionary software.  That’s why you installed it, remember?”  Mike picked up the green plastic elephant shaped Molly and tickled her ears.

Sil picked up another succulent marsh minnow and greedily stuffed it into his mouth.  “This has been a most profitable venture Drax.  We should pool our resources into more profitable ideas.  The acquisition of mega wealth is the only thing I can see in our futures.”

“What about using your knowledge to help Sil?”  Mel asked.  “We can make a lot of money.”

“For someone as repulsive as she is, she speaks a lot of sense.”  Sil laughed as he consumed the last minnow.

“Beauty is only skin deep Mel.”  Drax chuckled.  “Luckily you’re not a very shallow person, you’re much more than just a pretty face.  She’s the best computer programmer this side of the Universe, she’s even better than I am and that’s a compliment.”

“More marsh minnows!”  Sil commanded.  “Will you try one Mel?  It may give your skin a healthy green colour.”

Mel felt that her skin was already green enough.  “Um no thanks, I’m watching my figure.”

Alice and Mike found the Doctor still inside the console room.  He was pacing around the console with his head bowed in deep thought.

“Perhaps he needs a cup of tea?”  Alice wondered.

“I think we’re well beyond tea.”  Mike replied.  “Even jelly babies may not be enough.”

“No, he can’t be that grumpy.  He can’t, especially the orange ones they’re his favouritest.”  Alice sped off down the corridor to make a pot of tea and get a packet of the Doctor’s favourite sweets.

Mike knocked once on the door before entering the console room.  “Hey Doctor, look we’re worried about you ok.  We haven’t seen you like this at all.  We’re here for you, why don’t you talk about it?  Maybe help you rationalise a bit, so’s that you’re not scaring Alice?”

The Doctor turned around to look at his friend.  “I’m fine Mike, I was angry but I think I’ve worked through it now. I just want to know why.”

“Is that so?”  Mike asked.  “So if I show you this you won’t flip?”  He produced his copy of the fake autobiography.

“Get that out of my sight!”  The Doctor shouted.

“So you call this working though it?  If it’s a fake why are you so cut up about it?  I thought you revelled in the whole man of mystery deal?”

The Doctor sighed.  “Some of the stuff in here is not only accurate, it puts me in a very bad light.  I have made a lot of friends in the Universe Mike and if they read this they might not believe that it’s fake.”

“I’ve only known you for what?  Three months?  I can see that this stuff is nonsense.  This bit about you destroying the Daleks with some sort of ancient gizmo, how fake is that?”

“That bit’s true Mike, I used the same trick against a Cyber war fleet, only quicker.”  The Doctor sighed.  “It was a bad call but the outcome would have been a whole lot worse if I hadn’t.  The bit about the Vervoids is pure exaggeration; I didn’t wipe them all out.  There was a second harvest, which escaped, and now they move from world to world, infecting peoples with their pollen or slaughtering en masse.  I wish I had killed them all Mike or at least found a way to contain them.”

“I know this life we lead is fraught with danger, but you’re a good guy Doctor.  It’s not like they did it deliberately to have a go at you is it?”

“I rather think they did Mike, I can tell Mel’s prose a mile away.  Too many split infinitives and not enough punctuation.  I think that Drax is the one behind the rest of it though, the details of my academy days are all ones that feature him or ones that I shared with him later on.”

Mike nodded.  “So your friend has betrayed you, set you up to make a quick quid?”  He put his hand on the Doctor’s shoulder.  “Why don’t we show him and this Mel the error of their ways?”

Alice trundled into the room on a unicycle wheel where her feet used to be.  “But first a cup of tea, don’t worry I followed instructions.”

The Doctor smiled at his naive friend and took a sip.  “Much better.”  He croaked.  “You can hardly taste the engine oil.”

“Oops.”  Alice took the big yellow flowery cup from the Doctor.  “That one’s for me.  This one’s yours.”  She handed him the white mug with the red question mark pattern.

“This one must be mine.”  Mike picked up the Bunny The Vampire Slaughterer mug.  “You left the teabag in it.”

“I thought you could use a little fibre in your diet.”  Alice blushed and turned her hand into a strainer to fish the offending teabag out.  “It’s not too strong though?  Is it sweet enough?  Tell me if you hate it.”

“It’s fine Alice.”  The Doctor replied.  “It’s your best batch to date.”

Alice looked at Mike.  “What about you?  You’re going to mark me down for the teabag aren’t you?”

“It’s fine Alice, you were looking out for me.  I think that’s great, just remember for next time.  You know I think by thins time next year you’ll be safe to be left on your own.”

“I’m never alone.”  Alice replied.  “I have my friends, my baby and the TARDIS to keep me company.  She’s ok, although she does seem kind of ditsy if you ask me.”  She wondered why the Doctor and Mike started laughing all of a sudden.

Mike stopped laughing.  “I’m going to go and have a shave, call me when we get there.”

Alice looked at Mike’s legs.  “They seem fine to me.”

“Not them.”  Mike stopped Alice feeling his calves.  “My chin, it’s like a porcupine’s mated with a cactus.”

“Not a pretty thought.”  The Doctor stated.  “We’ll be about twenty minutes, the old girl’s playing up today.”

“She’s busy.”  Alice stated.  “We’re playing battleships.”

The Doctor looked at his companion.  “Are you winning?”

“No, but I think I’ve nearly got one of her ships.  No, lost again.  She always wins, I think maybe I should learn the rules sometime.”

“Never mind, why don’t we go and see Molly?  I’ve hardly seen her at all this week.”  The Doctor produced a small plastic stick out of his pocket.  “Do you think she’s ready for baton practice yet?”

Sil cackled with glee as his bank balance soared.  Drax was turning out to be a shrewd investor in the stock market.  Of course he knew every share movement for the rest of time but it didn’t lessen the excitement one bit.

Drax knew he should have sprung the blow off on the greedy little creature by now but he was savouring the moment.  Mel was getting anxious however so he made his mind up to begin taking Sil for all the money he had.

Just then the Doctor’s TARDIS materialised.

Alice looked at Mike, his fuzzy beard had gone and so had his hair.  “Wow you look very old.  I didn’t know human hair could just fall out like that.”

Mike laughed.  “I fancied a change.”

“It suits you.”  The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors.  “Just don’t go and get a head chill, ok?”

“Doctor, I can explain.”  Drax stood in front of Mel who was waving at the Doctor and smiling.

“Drax, and Mel.”  The Doctor looked at the guilty pair of crooks before spotting Sil.  “Who else could it be but my dear friend Sil?  Galatron Publishing Corporation?  You may as well have put your picture on the inside flap of the dust jacket.”

Sil chuckled like an OAP on cheap gin and vallium.  “Ah Doctor, still the tasteless clothes I see.  And two repulsive friends too, I like that one’s head.  Hair is such a social handicap don’t you think?”

Alice pouted.  “Hey, my hair’s pretty.”  She put big pink ribbon in her blonde mop.

The Doctor pointed at Drax.  “So you thought you could get away with this?  My autobiography?  It’s the biggest work of fiction this side of Kasterberous.”  He looked at Sil.  “This is a sham, it’s woefully inaccurate and I’ll sue you for libel.  How do you like that?”

Sil squirmed on his pedestal.  “Come now Doctor, surely we can come to some sort of agreement?”

The Doctor shook his head.  “Sorry Sil old chap but I’ve signed the exclusive rights to the BBC!  You’re about to become poorer than a former Tory MP.”

“Bear me away!”  Sil shouted to his Alphan slaves.  “I must speak with my lawyers.”

The Doctor laughed.  “It was so good to see you again Sil.”  He turned his gaze to Drax and Mel.  “That was satisfying, you’ll make sure the money goes to good causes of course?”

“Of course we will Doctor.”  Mel replied.  Minus a few expenses of course, she thought.

Alice and Mike talked to Mel while the Doctor and Drax went over a few things.

“I like your hair.”  Alice analysed Mel’s ginger curls.  “I wish I could get this pigment in my hair.”

“So this was all a giant work?”  Mike asked Mel.  “The Doctor was in on it the whole time?”

“Yes, we couldn’t tell you two, in case you were being watched.  I know it’s a lousy thing to do to someone, but we had to keep Sil thinking he held all the aces while we had the winning hand.”

Alice tried to emulate Mel’s flouncy red hair but it turned out as a bright red beehive.  Feeling dejected she went to explore.  She found a quiet alcove and laid her eyes on the most gorgeous love machine she had ever seen, that foliage.  Wow he was a honey.  “Come to Alice you delicious little love thing.”  She suddenly wondered if letting Eve program her dating software was such a great move.  “Lets run away together.”  She carried her beloved back to the TARDIS.

The Doctor found Mike teaching Molly a new shape.  “We’ve taken off Mike, is that a cheeseburger?”

Mike held up Molly.  “She’s very pretty isn’t she?  She has lovely melted cheese doesn’t she?”

“Erm yes.”  The Doctor made bird noises at the infant shape shifter.  “You haven’t seen Alice at all since we left have you?”

“She’s in her room.”  Mike replied.  “She put a do not disturb sign on her door.”

The Doctor rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  “I hope she hasn’t fallen in love with a photocopier again.”

Mike shook his head.  “She told me not to comeback until she’s been pollinated.”

The Doctor looked at Mike who shrugged his shoulders.  “Well maybe it’s just a phase?  Care for a cup of tea Mike?  I need to make an apology to you, about before.”

“Relax Doctor, we’re cool.  Like Mel said, if that seriously ugly dude had suspected something the game would have been up.”

“Even so, I owe you a sorry at least.  Jelly baby?”

Mike chose a green one.  “I wonder what she’s up to.”

Alice looked at her red-hot stud of a boyfriend and she waved her newly formed plastic leaves at him.  “Hurry up.”  She whispered.  “How long can it take?”  She rested on her bright pink pot with a big yellow smiley face on it and waited for him to make a move on her.